live love.

i need the stomach punch
i need the wind knocked out
the wind of me, my pride, and i
hit me. punch me. break me down.

i need to breathe You in
i need to breathe me out
inhale all of You
drink in Your spirit,
exhale mine all out
pour me out, please pour me out

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

it’s all got to go
it’s all coming out
it’s time to release
to let it all out
surrendering i am
and breathing me out

taking You in
You’re all i could need
You’re all i can breathe
You’re in total control
You never need an ok

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m learning this thing
about being ok
ok with Your choice
ok with Your voice
so i need You in me

i’m breathing by grace
enjoying Your face

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m breathing surrender
exhaling me out
i’m taking You in and sighing relief
breathing surrender is my sigh of relief
singing surrender to breathe Your relief
i’m breathing surrender
i’m singing relief
i’m breathing surrender

the sweet sweet exhale
sighing the breath of surrender

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

6 dollars in my wallet.

6 days until i take my sat’s.

15 days of school completed.

48 days until application for chapman is due.

65 days until my last first high school varsity basketball game.

257 days until i graduate(includes weekends and non school days).

yesterday. friday. last day of the week.
i grew frustrated over little things.
things that didn’t matter.
i displayed a non Christ like attitude.
it had built up and was slowly revealing itself.
last period of the day. precal. doesn’t help any.
but this time it did.
in the room there is a poster that i’m sure has been there since the beginning of the year. but this was the first time i ever really noticed it.
it said “create in me a clean heart, o God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
i almost started crying in class. God had quite literally slapped me upside the head.
it was if he was saying grow up and change already.
i right away prayed that verse asking the Lord to give me a clean heart and a right spirit.
it amazes me how God shows himself sometimes.
He doesn’t verbally speak to us or send us emails or leaves us voicemails.
He speaks to us in ways so much rewarding and miraculous than that.
i am thankful i go to a christian school where that poster is not only allowed to hang but encouraged.
God is too good.
He is so real.
He is so legit.
He is true.
He is the Truth.
He is too loving.
He is too forgiving.
–
also i think i have decided that i want to major in business or marketing and minor in art or graphic design or film.
my overall dream is to start this amazing company which many of you already know about. and i have been hearing from some professionals in the art and photography industry that schooling in those areas is basically networking and that you really learn and develop your style on your own for the most part. on top of that i highly doubt i have the skill level to get into the art program at chapman, but i think i have a decent chance at getting into the school in general.
i love art but i’m not sure that majoring it will be the wisest decision in the long run so i’m thinking a minor may work just as well.
whatever the Lord wills though is what i pray i end up doing.
life isn’t about me or my goals or my dreams or even my survival.
it’s a difficult truth to accept but it is truth none the less.
your prayers that i make decisions according to God’s will and not my own are more than appreciated.
–
“the way God acts is always for His glory and our benefit.”
live love.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

i’ve got no direction
i can’t find rewind
i guess its time to fly
just go with the flow
to where i don’t know
i just want to grow…

looking for pause
but stuck in fast forward
wishing for normal
but meant to live abnormal

you got your act together
i can’t seem to find my scene
the stage is set
the lines unknown
the curtains drawn
looks like it’s time to just go

i’ve only got one shot at this thing called life
i get one chance
no intermissions, no time outs, and not a single re-do
i get one shot at living life
i want to live it for the One called Christ
to live it otherwise would just be a mistake
one huge waste of this gift known as life

play was pushed, action was called
no rehearsal and no reversal
one chance, one shot, one live performance

one goal, one task, one desire
live for the One called Christ
and try not to throw away this gift called life.
–
live love.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.
“preach the gospel at all times. if necessary use words”

envious… oh so envious…
lies…i’m lying to myself
saying i am fine and alright
but deep down i know…
that i envy, envy, oh so envious
i tell you that it’s ok
i say if you’re happy then so am i
lying, lying, lying to myself
saying i am fine and alright
when deep inside i know…
that i envy, envy, envy you so much
you got your act together
while i’m searching for my own
i wish you the best but i’m hoping the worst
hypocrisy is my ever favorite verse
lying, lying, lying to myself
saying i am fine and alright
knowing it is all a lie…just a lie…
cause i envy, envy, envy all the time..
it’s like my new pastime
forming one big lie…
that i am ok, ok, ok and doing oh so fine
but i know it’s all a lie..
just one big blatant lie
cause i envy all the time…all the time…

…lying, lying, lying to myself
saying i am fine and alright
when deep inside i know…
that i envy, envy, envy you so much
you got your act together
while i’m searching for my own…

12:50 in the a.m. and i see my self as a liar.

lying to myself just to envy one more day, saying to self your doing ok.

Lord you know i am no where near ok. and even if i were ok, ok is not where i need to be.

we never arrive. we never plateau.

…i wish you the best but i’m hoping the worst
hypocrisy is my ever favorite verse…

fourth day of school ended today.
last wednesday was my last first day of high school.
276 days left till i graduate on june 12th at 7pm. (Lord willing i do graduate….)
my class schedule is much more full than i originally intended or thought.
after day one i gotta admit i wanted to say forget it already.
yea i know its day 1, i’m still in high school, i haven’t had anything yet.
but none the less that is how i felt. overwhelmed on day one of thoughts of period 0 after having an away game in temecula and getting home late and instead of showering and going to bed having to shower, do laundry for the game the next night, do ap econ and precal homework. (ok attempt to scribble something that looks like precal homework)
but God is good. too good.
pastor matt in chapel that first day talked about God’s mercies being brand new everyday. that put an end to my complaining right there.
(for the most part…im a wicked sinner and complainer yet…)
with God giving me the time of day to listen to my prayers and offer me fresh beginnings on a daily basis how can i let my joy in Him be stolen.
God is just too amazing and too good.
God intended life to have challenges.
He gives us new mercies daily and not on some monthly or annual plan so that we learn to trust Him. to rely on Him. to have to take life one day, one hour, one breath at a time by His very grace and mercy alone.
“i need Thee oh i need Thee, every hour i need Thee, i need Thee, i need Thee, i need Thee every hour…”
i can’t help but be in awe.
it inspires to me know that at the end of every day i look forward.
at the beginning of every day i look back.
and whether looking forward or backwards i see God as sovereign.
sovereign when i fail.
sovereign when He allows me to succeed.
sovereign when i completely throw a day down the drain.
sovereign when i live a moment completely to His glory.
consistent when i am not.
consistent when i am closer to Him.
consistent when i am running from Him.
consistent when i embrace everything He is.
consistent when i turn my face on His love.
sovereign. consistent. consistently sovereign.
i can’t count nor depend on me or anyone or anything else.
but i can undoubtedly depend on my Maker, Savior, and Lord.

so here’s to a school yr. a life. a journey of living, loving, failing, falling, hurting, laughing, learning, repenting, crying, searching, discovering and getting back up every time i fall, repenting every time i sin, living when i just want it all to end, learning true satisfaction in my God, my Love.

its been a while since i have written. so i feel off. i need to get back into it. some how i need to keep this more up to date…or more hours in the day…that would work as well.

love to you.
live. love. learn. fail. fall. get back up. cry. laugh. repent. rejoice. be satisfied. glorify. exalt. the One.

new york city was amazing.
i want to go back again some day.

the first day of the trip we went to where my dad grew up and was born in massachusetts and stayed the night in a hotel there. saturday we went to upstate new york to visit another place my dad grew up in and went to high school stayed there for the weekend and went to the church my dad used to go to that sunday. monday morning we drove to new jersey to visit my mom’s cousin and that night drove to the hotel in new jersey which was a few miles away from new york city.

tuesday through thursday we spent in the city.
there is just too much you can see or do and the days all kinda blur together at this point, but i’ll try and recap what i can remember in no particular order.

-first of course the glass cube apple store on fifth avenue. it was amazing! what more can i possibly say.
-central park: it is huge. we only walked through a very small portion of it, but my dad got to play some chess there which was cool for him
-ground zero: couldn’t really see much, it was fenced off and construction was occurring on the actual site but we did go to the tribute center
-trump tower: another huge building, granted most in ny city are, but we used the restrooms there.
-3 hour boat tour around manhattan island: offered a great skyline view of the city and of course the statue of liberty as well as the brooklyn bridge and the waterfalls that will be up till september i think
-time square: it is beyond huge. i thought it was maybe like one intersection or one block but it seemed to never end, taking up multiple blocks in every direction. amazing how big signs can get.
-empire state building: again it was pretty huge. we didn’t go up though due to an hr. and half wait.
-rockefeller center: technically this is about 19 buildings, but we went up to the observation deck of one of the buildings. from 67 stories up you get an amazing view and see how big new york city really is.

just walking around the city was an experience i won’t forget.
the stores are by far the biggest i have ever been in.
me and my brother went to every floor of the macy’s. all 9 and the the 2 basement floors.
the toys r us was so big it had a ferris wheel inside. yea it was crazy.

everything was bigger and busier and more crowded.
i thought the o.c. had a fast busy lifestyle, but compared to ny city we are slow.

i have pictures up. click on the photos page to view them.
(i didn’t post all the ones i took….i took 973 pictures…so yea…)

thank you jphan for letting me borrow your amazing camera and bryant for a bag to keep it safe.

forgive my lack of flow and rhythm. my randomness and horrific grammar, even for my taste. and i don’t follow the rules anyway. i’m tired. i just got home a few hours ago. excuses are lame. so i guess i just wrote poorly tonight. anyways hope you enjoy the pictures i know i enjoyed taking them.
–
live love.