my flesh is strong
i gave way in
i let it in
i did the sin

You saw it all, You watched the act
and now in shame i beg upon Your name
i plead for forgiveness
Your pardon is what i need
Your mercy and grace
Your beautiful face
Your love and kindness
i can’t comprehend
it makes no sense
i deserve Your wrath, i deserve everlasting wrath

no one else Lord, no one else but You
i wronged and shamed only You
i feel the pain
all around me they see
they feel the pain they recognize the shame

but it is You i wronged
the effect spreads, and others get hurt
my shame grows, my name goes
but it hurts You more than them all

You saw it all, You watched the act
and now in shame i beg upon Your name
i plead for forgiveness
Your pardon is what i need
Your mercy and grace
Your beautiful face
Your love and kindness
i can’t comprehend
it makes no sense
i deserve Your wrath, i deserve everlasting wrath

burn my sin
destroy my flesh
i cry i beg i plead
im at the end of me
i cant fix this
i cant end this
its bigger than me
my sin seeks me out
its chasing me down its calling my name
defacing my claim

have i turned those around me
have i led them astray
do they see me one way or all just the same
i claim to be nothing
nothing at all
just a sinner You rescued
that’s all

2 fridays ago, june 12, 2009 i graduated high school.
very surreal. still not sure what is going on exactly.

just a couple days ago, last friday, i had my new student orientation at cal state fullerton.
pretty long. alot of it pointless. but i did get my schedule made and got my student id card.
its starting to seem a little bit more real that i am actually going to be going to college.

my summer thus far has been busy. all one week of summer.
this next week may be slowing down a little bit for me, but at the same time who knows.
i am looking for a job.
i am also now working on a website for a guy so i should make a little bit off of that, but it will also be a lot of work, i haven’t touched web stuff in a little bit, got some relearning to do, should be fun though.

this post is horrible.
i have 3 books i want to finish/read.

maybe i’ll start posting my often again…i think i have said that before…
i need to write again. i miss it. i need it.

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

faculty and staff. friends and family.
pastor davidson. mr cantrell.
pastor thomas. class of 2009.

the years. the months. the days. the hours, minutes and seconds that make up our lives have come together this evening to celebrate an event. an accomplishment. a transition. the transition from high school to what some would call real life. an accomplishment of finishing and enduring 4 years of high school. an event that signals the accomplishment and initiates the transition. an event that causes one to not only look forward to what lies ahead but also to look back at what has already taken place. i look back at good times and bad. times of laughter. times of tears. times of understanding. times of utter confusion. the times vary just as each and every individual in this room varies. but what is the point of these times. of these experiences. of these emotions. what is the point of it all.

a wise man wrote in a book called ecclesiastes about these varying times. he wrote about his search for meaning and the point of life. he searched for meaning in every imaginable way. he looked for meaning in money and wealth. he looked for it in pleasure. he looked to women. drinking. conquering. expanding his kingdom. he looked everywhere. after looking to the ends of the earth for meaning he has this to say at the end of it all.

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.”

the sole purpose and meaning for my existence is to serve and glorify my Creator and Savior. the Un-created One. the Maker of all things. nothing else makes any true sense. for me to do anything other than worship and obey the very being who created me out of nothing. and then to not only create me but to even acknowledge my existence and to go deeper than that and desire a relationship with me, His creation. He owes me nothing. i owe Him all that i am. my very being is owed to Him.

yet how often do i choose to ignore this reality. this truth. how many years of my life did i love and worship the game of basketball more than i did the One who created me and gave me the ability to play that game.
how many more tears have i shed over losing a game rather than in understanding the love and sacrifice Christ made for me. the same God that gives me freedom and choice is the same God that i choose to so often throw under the bus. i will be the first to admit that i fail. that i don’t always live according to my intended and created purpose. that i am selfish. that i am at times too lazy and too selfish to correctly worship and serve my Maker who died for me.
why God still loves me. why He bothers to involve Himself in my life. i can’t explain. God promises many things but He never promises us tomorrow. we are never guaranteed another day. how many days have i arrogantly lived and wasted. the last thing i want to do is waste my life. my one life. my one shot.

i have learned a lot of things over the last 4 years.
i have sat through many academic lessons. but the most important lessons i have learned have been those about life and how to live. how to not waste my life and my one shot at existence. i have learned how to make it through finals weeks. how to balance sports, friends, and still get projects in on time. how to fail and be knocked down and then get right back up again. how to ask for forgiveness. how to accept grace. how to love and be loved. how to admit i’m wrong. how to ask for advice.

i would like to thank pastor davidson for allowing this connection between church and school. for your compassionate nature that you show regardless of the person and situation. for the consistent lifestyle of Christ-likeness that you demonstrate.

pastor thomas for your honesty and transparency, for your willingness to listen. for genuinely caring and truly rejoicing with us through our blessings and crying with us in our valleys. i think i speak on behalf of my entire class when i say you have truly impacted each of our lives. thank you for encouraging the desire of truth and pursuit of Christ.

mother. for putting up with me. for all the time and energy you have sacrificed to make sure i was where i needed to be, to make sure i was fed and clothed properly. for making fun of me and my height even though you are shorter than me. for allowing me to make fun of you back. i don’t how often a mother and son get to share that type of open and transparent relationship filled with teasing yet the most sincere care. there is not enough time to properly thank and acknowledge you for everything you have given and done for me.

dad. you have worked tirelessly to make sure we have been provided for. you taught me since i can remember to think for myself. to not be a blind follower. to think, to reason out, to research, to decide for myself. you also taught me to learn from my mistakes and if at all possible to learn from the mistakes of others before having to learn from my own. thank you for teaching truth, for putting me in this school. for setting an example of the kind of father i want to be. i can only hope to grow up to be half the man you are.

class of 2009. we’ve made it through 4 years of high school together.
good times. fun times. not so fun and not so good times.
you each have had an effect and influence on who i am today. i’ve learned a lot from each and everyone of you. only by the grace and mercy of God have we made it thus far. and only by Him can we continue to make it. and continue to press on.

some words that have kept me in check, kept me in my place, and reminded me of who i am and what my purpose is are as follows.

live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

it is my desire to live love as Christ exemplified true selfless love.
to breathe surrender to the Creator of all things, completely given over to His authority and will. and to do so with reckless abandon holding nothing back.

-j oswald sanders

so true.

my relationship with God is my responsibility.

i have no one else to blame but me.

yes, God still grows me, and must change me, but it is my choice whether or not i allow Him to.

it is up to me how much i will allow God to take over.

c.s. lewis puts it this way.

 ‘”‘Make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, not let you rest, until you are literally perfect–until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.’”

i’m not sure what else to say other than. 

yea. i’m not choosing very close right now. and i’m not letting Him do a whole lot.

i am a horrible person, i know. my webmaster keeps reminding me just how horrible i am. 

what? webmaster you say?

yes, i have a webmaster to manage the massive influx of hits and other such web statistic terms and phrases that this site takes in on a second by second basis. along with the ever increasing frequency with which i have been posting…

all joking and satire aside i would like to thank james from unlinked media for acting as the webmaster for this site and keeping it up to date with code and cyphers and other such things as well as making sure the site is operating on an ample supply of pixie dust.

currently he is working on tweaking the code of this theme to make it easier to use from the back end which who knows may cause me to be more consistent in my blogging. like anything, i need to plan time to blog just as i would plan time to do other things. but perhaps that is for another blog all together.

until next time…which will be in either more than, less than or exactly 35 days…

–

live love.

breathe surrender.

with reckless abandon.

hold nothing back.

Lord, i try to do exactly what You say is not possible.
i try to have it both ways. and that means i have chosen my way over Your way.
break me. again. and again. and again.
God do not let me wander from You.
i beg You to hold me close and to draw me near to You.
grab me and move me and do with me whatever You deem necessary.
don’t let me be so consumed with stuff.
don’t let me fall into the trap of thinking i deserve anything good i have.
don’t let me think this computer is mine.
God. Lord. empty me of me.
and when i start let me back i, and when i start fill back up with things other than You, empty me again.
God i can’t do it. i am too weak. i am too human.
i need You to take complete and total control.
Lord, Master, i am in awe and complete amazement of Your grace and mercy and love.
i am prone to wander, Lord i feel it.
wrap my soul and heart and being in Your chains.
may i live as doulos to You.
may i live love.
may i breathe surrender.
may i do so with reckless abandon.
may i hold nothing back.
may You have access to all that i am.

i typed all that 2 days ago, and have been struggling to figure out how to conclude my story. but my story isn’t over yet. it feels more like it i just beginning. entering the “real” world soon after high school seems like starting all over from scratch.
and every day seems like a whole new start.
every day when i go to sleep at night and think of how much i have wasted.
of how little i was interested in God that day. or how today i seemed more in love with God than before and wonder why.
every message i hear screams the same thing to me.
He’s trying to teach me and so i often i acknowledge His truth but am either too lazy or too selfish to do anything about it.
be consumed with Me.
be drenched in my words i have given to you.
pray to Me. talk with Me.
follow Me intensely. with passion and desire.
be filled with Me.
enjoy Me.
be satisfied in Me.
yet here i am allowing myself to be consumed with basketball.
to be satisfied with television.
to not be intense and passionate about anything to the extent Christ is demanding.
instead i live a life of inconsistency.
one moment i am determined. i am sold out on being all about my Maker.
but apparently i really am not since moments later i will choose something meaningless over the God that made me and saved me.
its frustrating to know that i can somehow not be in awe of Him at all times.
i mean let’s think about this.
He made everything. every single thing. from nothing.
as if that were not enough, He bothered to love us and buy us back after we left Him.
i don’t know. it makes no sense to me. how i can not just follow His instructions.
let’s take this a step further. He not only wants to redeem us, He wants life to be enjoyed in Him. He wants what is best for us. He didn’t just die for us and say well there you go good luck with the rest of your life i gave you a ticket to heaven see ya when you die.
no, He wants to be involved and have a relationship with me.
my mind is blown.
my heart is bleeding guilt.
my soul is confused.
everything about me wonders why i can’t just do what makes sense.
why don’t i just live drenched and addicted to my Savior.
why i don’t live what i type at the end of every post.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

tonight at church we had a testimony time and as one by one people stood and told their stories of being redeemed and their stories of how God has miraculously taken care of them i noticed the striking similarities yet vast contrast between each story.
so many stories of coming to the same realization.
so many stories of the same truth.
yet different stories all the same.
i realized i have never really typed my story out.
i have typed out portions, yes, and through my post over the years one could piece together parts of my story.
but seeing as just about a month ago i turned 18 i think i will attempt to tell my story in my next blog. but for now a brief update on my current life’s happenings.

a couple weeks ago i got my permit…again…it had expired…
my license test is scheduled for february 23rd bright and early at 8:20 in the am.
we made the playoffs finally!!!
this year our basketball team has clinched a playoff spot for the first time in my high school career. this is also the best record we’ve had since i have been on the team.
i’m stoked beyond words.
as of now i am leaning heavily towards attending cal state fullerton after highschool but i am still yet to here back from the uc’s i applied at.
now back to working on my story. should be up within the next day i am hoping, i’m doing too many other things while trying to write it. the one downside to dual screens is being able to try and view too many things at once.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

muchos dineros:

01. red scarlet

+ lenses, battery, monitor system, etc.

02. canon 5d mark II

+ lenses, extra length battery, etc.

03. 15″ 2.53 GHz macbook pro with 4 gigs of ram

+ carrying case, sleeve, bag, etc.

menos dineros:

04. 20 inch lcd display (so i can run dual monitors again)
05. 500 gig external hard drive (preferably a western digital or another good brand)
06. american eagle gift cards
07. itunes gift cards
08. my fat bird t-shirt (size small, organic made in usa)

no dineros:

09. get accepted into any or all of the following: UCI, UCSD, CSUF. Chapman.
10. make cif playoffs

i think that’s about it.
i am continually reminded of how blessed i am.
of how much stuff i am privileged with.
the fact that everything i have is a God given gift.
everything we are allowed is only by the vast mercy of Christ.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

(this part has nothing to do with my reason for posting this, but i have been a fan of 24 for a long time and last season was ridiculous and just not good. this prequel though was beyond superb in my mind. this upcoming season looks to be very very good again.)

back to the point.
in this prequel they are in africa and showing the civil war and how children are being kidnapped and brainwashed and turned into soldiers.
it got me thinking of how sad that is.
how broken our world is.
how screwed up it is.
then i began to think of some of the different groups out there like invisible children who try and bring awareness to these situations.

i was talking to my friend bryant about the show and about what’s going on there in africa and i remember he had done a project that involved talking a little bit about different organizations that desire to help the kids there and he went on to say there are lots of organizations out there helping them but even more to save trees.
i was taken back for a second and was just contemplating how true that is.
the news and media seems to spend so much more time talking about the environment than the lives of people.
i understand that we can’t magically fix everything and as much as we would love to help all the starving kids in africa we just can’t.
but the fact still bothers me that people in such a blessed country spend more time worrying about stupid trees than the lives of human beings.

what then becomes even more convicting to me is how often i complain.
i complain about so many stupid things.
i was having a conversation with my friend tracy about complaining and how rich we are compared to them and she said there are millions of kids would kill to be in our shoes here in america. to which i replied or even to just have shoes….even cheap shoes we would never think to buy for whatever reason.

i have so much.
and so much of this world has so little.
even more than the physical i have been blessed to have been told about my Savior.

my thoughts are scattered. incomplete.
my head is racing with too many thoughts.
i can’t comprehend it all at one time.
hopefully jotting down these few, brief thoughts weren’t a waste of time.

this world is definitely broken. evil. screwed up.
but we are called as Christians to be salt and light.
it makes me wonder how good of a job we are doing.
the name of the prequel was fittingly titled redemption.
God offers true redemption.

thanks Father.
i don’t know what else to say but thank You.
thank You for Your redemption.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

001. bic my head
002. get carvings on my head
003. write a children’s book (and have it published)
004. burn coal
005. get married
006. sky dive
007. bungee jump
008. get my drivers license
009. go on the amazing race or the mole
010. get buff
011. become king of america
012. start my own company
013. graduate college….maybe…
014. go at least 3 days without speaking
015. eat at least 2 4×4’s in one sitting
016. kill a cow
017. eat that cow
018. go to south africa
019. live in new york city for at least 6 months
020. learn to drive stick
021. write a song/poem that gets published
022. drive a race car at least 200 mph
023. hang glide
024. discover a number and name it the wright number…pun intended…
025. fly on air force one
026. write an article for a big newspaper
027. drive the tumbler from batman
028. wrestle a bear…and win…
029. direct a full length movie
030. film a full length movie
031. edit a full length movie
032. get an iphone
033. have my face be on the first page of a google search
034. compete in the olympics
035. blow something up…like a semi or something…
036. snowboard
037. break down a door with my shoulder
038. shoot an rpg
039. break the internet
040. work at apple
041. throw a pc off the top of a tall building
042. light a pc on fire then throw it off the top of a tall building
043. own a chipmunk
044. fly an airplane
045. play in the pavilion (ucla)
046. play in a cif playoff game
047. defy gravity
048. go to a ncaa final four championship game
049. sit in the student section for a college basketball game
050. go to a nba championship game
051. drive on the autobahn
052. always be in basketball playing shape
053. still be able to hang in pick up games at the park past the age of 45
054. go to israel
055. sell a design for a lot of money
056. sell a photograph for a lot of money
057. get paid to edit a video
058. own a canon 5d mark II
059. own a red camera
060. own a mac pro, a macbook pro, and 2 cinema displays..make that 4….
061. get a coffee from every starbucks in seatle
062. get cancer and beat it, then beat it again for good measure
063. create a pill that gets rid of acne forever
064. be in times square for new years
065. design my own house and build it
066. catch a bunch of fire flies, at least 27, and put them in a jar
067. not wear a tux or suit in my wedding
068. forever get rid of the fonts comic sans, and papyrus i want to physically destroy them forever
069. watch a full season of 24 in 24 hours stopping only to go the bathroom
070. finish a newspaper crossword without using the internet….
071. be a part of an improv everywhere
072. make a video that gets on youtube’s featured video list
073. get a million views on a video
074. get 300 hits on my website in one day that aren’t all me
075. have a post from my site get on the front page of digg
076. throw a big rock at a glass house
077. pay over 100 bucks for a steak and have it be the best steak ever
078. weigh a 170 pounds and not be fat
079. make a documentary film that truly affects change in people’s lives
080. be able to say i have completely read every book i own…well…at least come close…
081. write a review for a restaurant and get paid for it, also have them pay for my meal
082. start a trend
083. study abroad for a semester of college
084. hit a buzzer beater game winning shot
085. fill up at least half of my passport
086. get a block where i pin it on the backboard
087. throw a legit alley-oop
088. jab stab right. dribble left. left hand dunk middle of the lane with authority over 2 guys.
089. have my hair cut with a blow torch
090. learn to draw well
091. bowl an almost perfect game
092. get a triple double
093. write a million dollar check to my church or a missionary
094. blow a bubble with gum
095. go to cupertino
096. have canon send me prototypes of their cameras before they are released
097. live love
098. breathe surrender
099. with reckless abandon
100. hold nothing back

i almost really really forgot to blog today.
but aaron kept me accountable and just reminded me.
today was a busy day.
9am-noon was spent playing basketball in the nasty hot wind.
noon-1pm consisted of showering, dropping video, and prepping a camera for wintercasualwonderland.(wcw)
1:30 pm went to bethel, set up tech and such things for wcw.
3:00pm wcw began. games and the such in the auditorium then food.
whatever time it was we got the ice rink and i took pictures.
i took 668 pictures. alot not very good. but quantity will sometimes produce quality.
then the last ten minutes i went ahead and iceskated even though the fear of falling and then having someone skate over my hand resulting in lost phalanges was greatly in my mind.
8:20ish pm higgins came over to give me guidance for his video project.
i am almost done with it now. just need to add some music and a couple finishing touches.
barely gonna get this one.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

i almost forgot about the whole trying to blog for a week straight thing today…
fortunately i had the word blog written and circled on a piece of paper on my ever cluttered desk that managed to see light and make eye contact with me.

i used to use post it notes, which i loved, but i ran out so i have turned to just using whole pieces of blank white paper.  i have often been criticized for being a waster of paper. i say we probably have too many trees so i might as well. burn more coal. i don’t buy any of this green eco friendly stuff. i believe in using our resources wisely yes, but not to the extent that we don’t use them. anyways rather than rant and rave about the environment i shall continue on.

let’s see.
tomorrow looks to be busy.
9am play some ball down at bethel.
after that drop some video and get started on a video my buddy’s class project.
about 2 o clock i need to get over to bethel again to set up some stuff for winter casual wonderland. that will begin at 3 and be done about 7 30.
when i get home it will be time for me to most likely build a keynote for sunday school then hammer out that video project.
busy but should be fun.

with that i would like to let you know that has become extremely windy outside.
also i think i am going to go take a shower.
in warm. then towel dry and possibly lightly lotion.
also, lifting weights today made me feel huge even though i am not.
it’s a good feeling. i need to lift more often and more consistently.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

i have come to realize i am very judgmental.
i judge people all the time.
often without even thinking about it.
before i know it i am thinking critical or negative thoughts about a person.
i do this with people i know and even with complete strangers i see at a store.
i have no right to judge.
i am too messed of a human being to judge even the worst of humanity.
only God has the right to judge.

Father, forgive me for judging.
forgive me for even thinking that i am in some way better or above another one of your creation. creation that You made in Your very image. forgive me for judging something that You called good.
may i learn to be judged.
may i learn to be teachable.
may i learn to be reproved.
may i live for You and Your cause.
may i love for You and Your cause.
may i not waste my life.
may You be exalted in what i do and how i live.
may i daily on a minute by minute basis breathe surrender.
thanks Lord for being patient and forgiving.
thanks Lord for even knowing my name.
i love You because You first loved me.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

e. lock gave us this quote tonight and it got me thinking and writing on the back of a tithing envelope.

“a man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell. ”
c.s lewis

the quote isn’t complicated. yet extremely deep.
it’s simple. yet profound.

it is impossible for me to do anything to increase or decrease God’s glory.
there is nothing i can do to change God in any way shape or form.
my worship or lack of worship does not change God.
whether i choose to breathe surrender every day or not does not change the fact that God will be glorified. He will be.
although nothing i do actually changes Him or His plan, He has allowed for us to take part. He has allowed us the privilege of being instruments in His plan. He has  given us the opportunity to worship Him and take part in glorifying Him. the bible says even the rocks cry out, whether we do or not God will be praised but He has allowed us the joy and privilege of doing so.

there is something amazing and rewarding in the fact that God lets us a be a part of His plan of redemption. this is probably a poor analogy but it is what first came to my mind. it is like being a fan at a basketball game. sure you yell, you cheer, you heckle, you boo the refs, whatever, but in the end you really have nothing to do with whether the team wins or loses. it comes down to the players on the court. (granted home crowd advantage can help swing momentum which is where this analogy breaks down.) but none the less as a fan you were a part of that victory or that loss. you were invested in the cause of the game. i think it is similar to God and redemption. He does all the work, all the redeeming, yet he allows us to be a part of it all. He chooses to use us in His cause.

when i think of how small i am. how miniscule. how insignificant i am i wonder why God bothers to use us. i can’t effect anything but i am offered the chance to be a part of something far greater than myself. unfortunately i do not take the offer often enough. sadly i choose to sit and watch rather than take part. God not only has given me the chance but desires that i be a part of His redemption and here i am saying no on multiple occasions. tell me that doesn’t make any sense. tell me i am out of my mind.

God, i’m crazy. i must be human.
Lord, i’m inconsistent. i try and serve two masters.
Creator, i’m a rebel against what You intended.
Savior, i’m forever in debt.

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

quite a bit i suppose has actually happened since the last time i posted a general update.
let’s start with school.
so far so good. senior yr. class of 09. graduating class of cinco.
the nice thing though about having such a small class is the unique relationship i have been able to build with each other senior over the last few years.
i really can say i wouldn’t want to graduate with any other group of people.
senior pictures is another plus to small school, small class.
i think i had more fun talking cameras with the photographer than actually taking the pictures but it was still fun. i love the color and composition of the shots. it just furthered my interest and dream to work in the world of art, photography and video.
as far as classes go…precal, ehh…physics, same thing…government is pretty chill, ap econ starts in december and should be interesting, english is same old same old, speech class is pretty much a breeze, and yearbook well hopefully the whole thing gets done, but even if doesn’t the  few pages we do finish will look pretty good i think.

the other week i ran a mile and a half. more than i had run distance wise in about 7 months due to whatever was wrong with my shins. (thought they were shin splints but my volleyball coach doesn’t think so cause it was hurting in the wrong place)
i had been playing spring league and summer league for basketball and after tourney’s my shins would sometimes hurt so running the distance was a good test.
so far so good my shins didn’t hurt, so i think i’m going to give running to the gym for practice a shot when the time comes.

the application process for colleges i have decided is one of those necessary evils.
a pain but needed. i qualified for this elc student thing with the uc system which basically means they looked at my grades over the summer and said i’m on track for being accepted. in the last couple months i have gotten letters from ucsd, ucsb, and uc davis inviting me to apply, a post card from uc riverside saying i’m accepted and i just need to apply, and a letter just the other day from uci saying i am guaranteed admission to most majors and asking me to apply. so my plan thus far is to apply at ucsd and uci. with it looking like uci may very well be my choice of school. i still am planning to apply at chapman but it looks like i will miss the early application date and will have to apply for the january date. even if accepted there i’m leaning towards a uc because of how much cheaper it will be. a uc will be approximately 10 grand cheaper than chapman, granted chapman is still some what of a dream of mine, but i think chapman may be a good option for grad work or the such.

as an aside i let my permit expire right before school started…and didn’t have time to get it again at a time available for my parents to sign so….come january i’m (Lord willing) going to get my permit again as a 18 year old and shortly thereafter try and get my license.

well that turned out to be much longer than i originally envisioned and alot more random and scattered as well. forgive any spelling errors. i’m trying to get back into it.
pray that i post again tomorrow, and the day after till i have posted for 7 straight.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

they can be ordered here: http://www.cafepress.com/myfatbird

–

live love.

i need prevention, some intervention
for my actions bring you pain
my words destroying all the same
i break the golden rule
i speak when there’s nothing nice to say
i display the ever unkind
i live the epitome of hurt
all i do is hurt

pass the grey duct
tape my mouth so its ever sealed shut
better yet cut some string
sew this cursed thing
sew those lips and lock up my tongue
it shall be prisoner forever
and hopefully set me free

i need prevention, some intervention
for my actions bring you pain
my words destroying all the same
i break the golden rule
i speak when there’s nothing nice to say
i display the ever unkind
i live the epitome of hurt
all i do is hurt

lock it up
seal it shut
free me, free me from this evil thing
all it does is cause you pain
all it does is bring you down
all it does is things not right

i need prevention, some intervention
for my actions bring you pain
my words destroying all the same
i break the golden rule
i speak when there’s nothing nice to say
i display the ever unkind
i live the epitome of hurt
all i do is hurt

i need to breathe You in
i need to breathe me out
inhale all of You
drink in Your spirit,
exhale mine all out
pour me out, please pour me out

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

it’s all got to go
it’s all coming out
it’s time to release
to let it all out
surrendering i am
and breathing me out

taking You in
You’re all i could need
You’re all i can breathe
You’re in total control
You never need an ok

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m learning this thing
about being ok
ok with Your choice
ok with Your voice
so i need You in me

i’m breathing by grace
enjoying Your face

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m breathing surrender
exhaling me out
i’m taking You in and sighing relief
breathing surrender is my sigh of relief
singing surrender to breathe Your relief
i’m breathing surrender
i’m singing relief
i’m breathing surrender

the sweet sweet exhale
sighing the breath of surrender

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

6 days until i take my sat’s.

15 days of school completed.

48 days until application for chapman is due.

65 days until my last first high school varsity basketball game.

257 days until i graduate(includes weekends and non school days).

yesterday. friday. last day of the week.
i grew frustrated over little things.
things that didn’t matter.
i displayed a non Christ like attitude.
it had built up and was slowly revealing itself.
last period of the day. precal. doesn’t help any.
but this time it did.
in the room there is a poster that i’m sure has been there since the beginning of the year. but this was the first time i ever really noticed it.
it said “create in me a clean heart, o God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
i almost started crying in class. God had quite literally slapped me upside the head.
it was if he was saying grow up and change already.
i right away prayed that verse asking the Lord to give me a clean heart and a right spirit.
it amazes me how God shows himself sometimes.
He doesn’t verbally speak to us or send us emails or leaves us voicemails.
He speaks to us in ways so much rewarding and miraculous than that.
i am thankful i go to a christian school where that poster is not only allowed to hang but encouraged.
God is too good.
He is so real.
He is so legit.
He is true.
He is the Truth.
He is too loving.
He is too forgiving.
–
also i think i have decided that i want to major in business or marketing and minor in art or graphic design or film.
my overall dream is to start this amazing company which many of you already know about. and i have been hearing from some professionals in the art and photography industry that schooling in those areas is basically networking and that you really learn and develop your style on your own for the most part. on top of that i highly doubt i have the skill level to get into the art program at chapman, but i think i have a decent chance at getting into the school in general.
i love art but i’m not sure that majoring it will be the wisest decision in the long run so i’m thinking a minor may work just as well.
whatever the Lord wills though is what i pray i end up doing.
life isn’t about me or my goals or my dreams or even my survival.
it’s a difficult truth to accept but it is truth none the less.
your prayers that i make decisions according to God’s will and not my own are more than appreciated.
–
“the way God acts is always for His glory and our benefit.”
live love.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

looking for pause
but stuck in fast forward
wishing for normal
but meant to live abnormal

you got your act together
i can’t seem to find my scene
the stage is set
the lines unknown
the curtains drawn
looks like it’s time to just go

i’ve only got one shot at this thing called life
i get one chance
no intermissions, no time outs, and not a single re-do
i get one shot at living life
i want to live it for the One called Christ
to live it otherwise would just be a mistake
one huge waste of this gift known as life

play was pushed, action was called
no rehearsal and no reversal
one chance, one shot, one live performance

one goal, one task, one desire
live for the One called Christ
and try not to throw away this gift called life.
–
live love.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.
“preach the gospel at all times. if necessary use words”

…lying, lying, lying to myself
saying i am fine and alright
when deep inside i know…
that i envy, envy, envy you so much
you got your act together
while i’m searching for my own…

12:50 in the a.m. and i see my self as a liar.

lying to myself just to envy one more day, saying to self your doing ok.

Lord you know i am no where near ok. and even if i were ok, ok is not where i need to be.

we never arrive. we never plateau.

…i wish you the best but i’m hoping the worst
hypocrisy is my ever favorite verse…

so here’s to a school yr. a life. a journey of living, loving, failing, falling, hurting, laughing, learning, repenting, crying, searching, discovering and getting back up every time i fall, repenting every time i sin, living when i just want it all to end, learning true satisfaction in my God, my Love.

its been a while since i have written. so i feel off. i need to get back into it. some how i need to keep this more up to date…or more hours in the day…that would work as well.

love to you.
live. love. learn. fail. fall. get back up. cry. laugh. repent. rejoice. be satisfied. glorify. exalt. the One.

the first day of the trip we went to where my dad grew up and was born in massachusetts and stayed the night in a hotel there. saturday we went to upstate new york to visit another place my dad grew up in and went to high school stayed there for the weekend and went to the church my dad used to go to that sunday. monday morning we drove to new jersey to visit my mom’s cousin and that night drove to the hotel in new jersey which was a few miles away from new york city.

tuesday through thursday we spent in the city.
there is just too much you can see or do and the days all kinda blur together at this point, but i’ll try and recap what i can remember in no particular order.

-first of course the glass cube apple store on fifth avenue. it was amazing! what more can i possibly say.
-central park: it is huge. we only walked through a very small portion of it, but my dad got to play some chess there which was cool for him
-ground zero: couldn’t really see much, it was fenced off and construction was occurring on the actual site but we did go to the tribute center
-trump tower: another huge building, granted most in ny city are, but we used the restrooms there.
-3 hour boat tour around manhattan island: offered a great skyline view of the city and of course the statue of liberty as well as the brooklyn bridge and the waterfalls that will be up till september i think
-time square: it is beyond huge. i thought it was maybe like one intersection or one block but it seemed to never end, taking up multiple blocks in every direction. amazing how big signs can get.
-empire state building: again it was pretty huge. we didn’t go up though due to an hr. and half wait.
-rockefeller center: technically this is about 19 buildings, but we went up to the observation deck of one of the buildings. from 67 stories up you get an amazing view and see how big new york city really is.

just walking around the city was an experience i won’t forget.
the stores are by far the biggest i have ever been in.
me and my brother went to every floor of the macy’s. all 9 and the the 2 basement floors.
the toys r us was so big it had a ferris wheel inside. yea it was crazy.

everything was bigger and busier and more crowded.
i thought the o.c. had a fast busy lifestyle, but compared to ny city we are slow.

i have pictures up. click on the photos page to view them.
(i didn’t post all the ones i took….i took 973 pictures…so yea…)

thank you jphan for letting me borrow your amazing camera and bryant for a bag to keep it safe.

forgive my lack of flow and rhythm. my randomness and horrific grammar, even for my taste. and i don’t follow the rules anyway. i’m tired. i just got home a few hours ago. excuses are lame. so i guess i just wrote poorly tonight. anyways hope you enjoy the pictures i know i enjoyed taking them.
–
live love.

i still love you spencer.

i do a poor job of planning a set time to read.
part of me is very structured and needs order very much.
there are times the files on my computer must all be in proper folders etc.
then there are times my desktop is littered with random files.
i take a whole saturday to clean my room and throw away trash.
i take every and any way i can to make sure i don’t have to do dishes.

i am inconsistent.

i dislike math and equations and the necessity of the order of operations.
yet i enjoy the way a well written sentence is structured.
the careful choice of words, the precise positioning of adverbs and adjectives.
at times i do not appreciate the teaching or preaching of the Word.
yet i love when a conversation suddenly turns to the One and His truth.
i love the way of conversations. interruptions of questions and comments and musings.

i adore times of prayer.
prayer is probably my most consistent area.
when i am walking. sitting. thinking.
even shooting a basketball early in the morning by myself.
these are times when i am most comfortable.
times when i talk with my Savior.
it is not the prayer to open or close a church service.
it is me telling my God everything and anything.
asking why. asking how. asking for help.
crying. praising. thanking.
praying doesn’t have to be a certain time limit.
there are no times when i am not permitted to pray.
in fact we are told to pray without ceasing.

He is always listening.
my thoughts, before i know it have become a prayer.
what started as me contemplating the why’s of this life finds me standing in awe of the Creator and asking why He bothered with me.
why, when i treat Him as trash He still forgives me.
why, when i am more in love with myself He still loves me.

prayer is my escape of sorts.
it’s when i feel closest to God.
but also farthest.
it’s hard to be dishonest when the God who knows all is listening.
but it shows me for who i am. and that shows me to be far away.
yet my Savior embraces me and tells me it’s ok. says i forgive you.

i am in no way saying prayer is a substitute for reading your bible.
the times i have spent genuine time in the bible have been amazing.
it’s just that i have noticed for some reason i seem to thrive more in prayer.
i’m not sure if that’s wrong.
maybe i am even farther from God than i think because of that.
i’m sure i still do not pray as much as i should.
i know i need to be spending even more time with my Maker.
when i don’t read my bible i do feel like something is wrong and missing.
even the days i read just to read are better than the days where no reading occurs.
i am no where near having this figured out or together.
i fail daily. second by second i’m sure.

i just seem to connect more often through prayer and conversation. especially conversation with my Savior.
but i think my thinking that is often a downfall that leads me to think it’s ok to not read as often.
i know i need to be in the bible so much more.
it is easier for me to type this than to sit and read my bible sometimes.
maybe rather than write this now i should be reading.
i’m really not sure.
i got a lot to work on.
there is a lot i don’t know and even more i do not understand.
but i do know that when i am just talking with my God i am most at peace.
yet most at war.
most comfortable and at the same time most broken.
it’s weird. it’s refreshing.
it’s uplifting and humbling at the same time.
it doesn’t make any sense, but it is the only thing that even remotely makes sense.
but loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, losing your life to get it, dying to truly live, doesn’t seem to make sense either.
i really don’t get it all. but i think it’s ok. but i also think it’s not to a certain respect.

for as often as i tease “random” jenkins, i sure write randomly.
forgive me if i wasted your time.

God forgive me.
i go against everything You are.
i love You because You loved me first.
i’m sorry for loving me more.
fix me.
thanks for being God and in control.
–
live love.

“wow that blog is ugly, mine is way better.”

that was a direct quote from renae ashton by the way. the first official blog snob as far as we know.

i must admit. i do fall into the category of blog snob.
i don’t think my blog is the best or even the best looking by any means.
there are many great blogs out there.
but let’s be honest.
the good majority of blogs out there look horrific and tend to make one want to vomit.
it’s just the ugly truth.
i shall refrain from saying more.
am i being brutal?
brutally honest, yes.
if i had the time and talent and skills i wish i could design everyone’s blog so they wouldnt look like complete trash.
unfortunately i do not have the time nor talent nor skill.
one day when i am a real graphic designer and unsoundtransient productions is up and running, i will try to eliminate blog snobbing by making everyone’s blog look good.

why did that last part sound like i was a politician running for office?
i hate politicians.

until that day.
happy blog snobbing to you all.

–
live love.

the term blog snob was originated and coined by spencer bales due to the direct quote mentioned above by renae ashton. any use of the term blog snob without prior written consent of spencer bales and/or his fellow associates who were there at the origination and coining of the term blog snob will result in an immediate cease and desist letter from said parties.

taking the easy way out to take care of us.
looking out for number one, me. as the saying goes.
for the non believer can you blame them for living that way?
living for themselves and their enjoyment.
i don’t think we really can, but we can blame those who claim Christ.
my self included, i’m right there in front of the line.
i so often live for myself.
my wants.
my desires.
my “needs.”
my goals.
my comfort.
whatever makes me happy and feel good.
and i gain those at the expense of others.
at the expense of those i claim to love.
i hoard. i refuse to share. i slack off. i take the easy way out.
taking care of me and my needs is easy.
any work i do goes straight to benefiting me.
that’s easy.
but to live as Jesus taught is hard.
to freely give as we have freely been given.
it’s hard, but makes so much more sense.
Christ freely gave His life away so that i could have life.
Jesus tells us to give because we have received much.
as an american i have been given so much.
more than i fully appreciate.
as a christian i have been given even more.
much more than i can fully understand.
yet here i am. selfish. receiving freely. giving reluctantly if at all.
again i find myself rambling with little structure the things i am attempting to grasp.
trying to live this thing called life in a way that it is not wasted.
hoping to hear well done, good and faithful servant.
struggling with being good. faithful. and servant.

but i am too in love with myself.
i love myself more than my Savior.
i would rather please me than my Maker.
i much rather choose me over others.
i am in love with myself.
that’s my problem.
it has been for a long time.
have a feeling it may be for a long time to come.
it’s the ugly truth.
i am in love with myself.
it is hard for me to type that.
every time i do i want to hit backspace.
i don’t want to admit i love me more than my God. more than my friends.
but it’s true.
i can’t deny it without knowing i would be lying.
i am way too in love with myself.

Lord i fail miserably.
i love me more than You.
may i give more freely. may i give because i understand what i have been given.
may i never keep what You have given me to myself.
may i live as doulos to you and not me.
Lord pick me. i beg you to pick me up.
i fall too often Lord.
i too often choose me over You.
change me, i pray that You would hold me up.
i can’t stand on my own. every time i try by myself i fall on my face.
i hardly begin to get up and i’m back down, face in the dirt.
be my support. be my strength.
teach me to give.
You are too good for me.
You are too far above me.
You are.
i thank for You for being. creating. holding. allowing life. blessing. teaching. waiting.
–
live love.
tsylt.

i feel like a hypocrite typing live love…

on a side note, it is really hot here in the o.c.
i mean really hot.
i’m not liking it all that much.
air conditioning is a total God send.
water is an absolute necessity.
and still God is better than i can ever fully know and imagine.
tell someone you love them.
life is short.
don’t waste it.
–
live love.
tsylt.

as of about 10 minutes ago i am all registered up for basic drawing this summer at santa ana college. i need to learn me to draw so that i can learn me to graphic design one day.

basketball practice later today and two games this week. a good way to kick off the summer if you ask me, playing the best sport on God’s green earth.

random post. for sure. but still a post none the less.
–
live love.
tsylt.

i saw the endlessness of death.
in arlington cemetery there are tombs as far as one can see.
it never seems to end.
so many deaths for my freedom. your freedom.
so many have died so that you and i can have the freedom to say we don’t like war.
so we can say we don’t like this politician.
so we can complain about the government.
so we can criticize those dying for our freedom to say what they are doing is pointless.
if they never die, you and i never get to say any of those things.
never get to voice opinions.
to see the statue of iwo jima.
to realize what freedom costs.
to get an idea of how brave those men were.
how willing they were to serve their country and defend it.
to fight and die for the freedom of others.
to be so unselfish to put yourself in the most vulnerable of positions to raise our nations flag and raise up the call of freedom.
had a marine corps recruiter been standing by me while i was there at the iwo jima memorial i would have signed up without thinking twice about it.
it is such a moving thing to see.
the last two mornings of the trip, i got up and 5 in the morning and took a jog with pastor matt to see the memorial again.(also to help keep in shape, it was about a mile from our hotel. and we of course jogged back straight to a starbucks about a block away from the hotel before heading back to shower and get ready for the day) and every time i went back, it was just as moving and this part of me just wanted to join up then and there and serve and give something back.
after going to the holocaust museum i even more desired justice.
feelings of sorrow and sadness quickly changed to that of anger.
anger at injustice. at people being wronged.
a group of people being tortured and killed because of their race.
it made me so mad to read how those who had disabilities both physically or mentally would be killed for being “inferior.”
that people would dare see another human being as inferior.
the contrast from God made us all to be equal and free to killing everyone who was not white skinned, blond haired, and blue eyed is ridiculous.
the freedom to live was defended by our soldiers.

seeing so many military personnel around the city was inspiring.
seeing thousands of vietnam vets riding their bikes down he street.
seeing people lined up on both sides yelling thank yous and giving them high fives.
seeing the city embrace those who served and sacrificed and fought for them.
seeing the excitedness of both veterans and spectators.

almost everyone would say that of all people, those who have died for a cause as great of freedom and of defending our country would have died a worthy death.
would have lived a meaningful life.
yet some who died for such a great cause cold very possibly have wasted their life.
as great as the call of freedom is, the call of God is greater and greatest.
if someone can die for their country and still truly have wasted their life i begin to wonder if i am wasting my life.
am i living a life fully honoring and pleasing to my Savior and Maker.
unless i am, i am wasting my life.
that breaks me. that humbles me.

my thoughts are a bit random. a bit out of order.
i wish i could have written at the end of each day.
thoughts and feelings would have been more fresh, more precise, more meaningful.
i can’t even recall which day i went where.
all my days are blurred together into a feeling of 2 or 3 days and not the week i was there.
thanks for reading the ramblings of a 17 yr old kid still figuring stuff out and still learning. i never want to come across like i got it figured out. i am no one near that.
–
live love.
live doulos.

sidenote: i wish i had a lap top to bring with me, hotels had free wifi, i coudl have blogged daily, but again oh well…

live love.
live doulos.

they’re falling, failing, and fearing
they’re broken and crying for help
desperate for someone
for one who will hear them and be by their side

can you hear them?
do you hear their silent screams?
it grows louder, their silently screaming, it grows louder
why can’t we hear them?
why don’t we hear them?

when we fall we count on them
yet they fall and we ignore them
we just failed so they’d better be there
but now they’ve failed and we’d rather be anywhere else but there

why don’t we hear them?
i know that we can
so loudly they scream, they silently scream
for help, in need, of love, for just one to be there
to stand by their side

so plastic, so fake, we force them to muffle their cries
and so silently they will scream
if only they could scream with all they are
if only they could make known their hurt and not be afraid
if only they could know it was safe to scream
safe to be real. safe to scream.
let’s melt this plastic for real.

remind them, point them, lead them to the One
the One who always hears, the One who is always there
He loves them more than they can know
but will we hear them?
will we lead them to the One?
the One who is Jesus
the One whose burden is light and will always hear
He hears their cries
listen, listen, listen for their silent screams
don’t let them go unheard
you too may need to scream
no more silent screams. no more silent screams.

this christian community was meant to be one that is safe.
one where we can all scream out loud and not suppress our needs with silence or a show. let’s melt this plastic for real. i got a lot of work to do on both sides of this.
too often i ignore the silent screams or am a cause of the silent scream.
too often i suppress my scream with silence and try to live on my own.
i need to learn to be absolutely dependent on God.
i got a long ways to go…

–
live love.
live love with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

post script.
james, correct away as you see fit.
–
live love.
live love with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

1. my imac. this will be offered to my church under the direction of spencer bales and james ashton. if they deem my imac as no longer useful for the church it then will go to my brother david wright.

2. my four gig red second generation ipod nano will be going to my very good friend angie ruiz.

3. my stereo system. (the cd player on it no longer works) goes to the most awesome sub ever john makari.

4. my tell someone you love them shirt can be fought over by tracy loi and bryant trinh.

5. my external hard drive and final cut express goes to my fellow video editor james ashton.

6. my apple hat shall go to pastor matt.

7. my domain name unsoundtransient will in the event that i am no longer living be transfered over to nick lokker.

8. my video camera shall be given to eric lokker.

9. my portion of lumpia goes to kyle mosier. (to explain basically whenever my mom makes lumpia he wants how ever much i wold have eaten.)

10. my money shall be distributed in thirds. one third of my total funds shall be given to the tech ministry at my church, another third shall be directed to the general fund of my church and the last portion shall go to the missions program.

if there is anything else that i may possess that you desire in the event of my death, please comment on what that might be and i shall do my best to update this will as i deem fit. please do not feel left out if nothing was left to you, many of these came by request via first come first serve and honestly i just don’t have that much stuff.

i must end with this that the stuff i do have i am extremely grateful for.
and i realize that as an american i have so much more stuff than the majority of the world.

tell someone you love them before the day ends.
–
live. love.
live love.
live love with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

but as i walked to church this afternoon i was instantly refreshed.
the moment i stepped out of my mobile home park i was instantly amazed.
it was a gorgeous day.
the sun was shining. not too bright. not too hot. just right.
scarcely a cloud to be seen.
gentle cool breeze was lightly blowing the leaves in the tress.
i could not help but feel alive and refreshed and energetic.
the sluggishness left me instantly.
i stopped in my mind for a minute and was in complete awe.
i could not stop thanking and praising God for such a beautiful day.
a beautiful day i did not deserve to experience.
as i reflected on how beautiful the weather was i couldn’t help but think how beautiful Jesus is.
how much more beautiful eternity will be when spent with Him.
the beauty i experienced today was merely a partial reflection of its Maker.
God is so good.
Jesus is so beautiful.
words can not properly describe the beauty of a beautiful day, much less the beauty of the Creator.

Lord, You are so beautiful and magnificent.
Your creation reflects Your glory and Your might.
yet i do not always reflect You.
Lord i may i reflect Your beauty and love and power and glory in every moment of my life.
Father i thank You for redeeming me with Your son. for offering a substitution.
Jesus i thank you for abandoning Your will and choosing Your fathers.
God i praise You for being You.

tsylt.
live love.
live love with reckless abandon.

tsylt
live love.
live love with reckless abandon.

Jesus did not ever intend for us to live part time.
to be part time followers.
to be part time disciples.
we are either following Him or we aren’t.
everything we do is either glorifying God or going against God.
there is no in between. no middle ground.
He called us to excellence not failure and not mediocrity.
living ok. living alright. that doesn’t cut it.
i’m not saying we aren’t going to screw up.
what i’m saying is we will care when we do.
it will hurt. it will cause shame because we are so passionate about Him.
we can’t live as followers of Him unless we give it all to Him.
we can’t hold anything back.
we must abandon everything that this world has to offer us.
we can not be attached to stuff. to goals. to accomplishments.
what this world has to offer us is nothing compared to what God has planned.
what He has in store for us.
we sell God short.
we don’t trust Him.
we think He can’t top the world’s offers.
we think He calls us to a life of rules and “dos” and “donts”
we think wrong. very wrong.
who are we to say God doesn’t know what is best?
why do we think we know better?
why don’t we believe His word when He says ask and it shall be given to you?
why are we so attached to possessions and things that will not last into eternity?
why are we so afraid to let go?
to let go of everything we have and everything we are.
we are only willing to give God part.
we are willing to let a little bit go and probably only then minor things we are ok with losing.
Jesus when calling people to follow Him did not take them unless they just dropped everything on the spot and followed Him right then and there.
no making excuses. no let me do this first.
drop all and follow.
live with reckless obedience.
just obey. just do as He says and do it right and do it all out.
with reckless abandon.
holding nothing back.

i know i fail often.
i fail at living recklessly with abandon for my Savior and God.
i struggle. i love stuff too much.
i am too materialistic.
i am too self centered.
i live for convenience all too often, for pleasure, for me.
but it doesn’t work.
living that way doesn’t glorify my Maker.
living that way doesn’t magnify the cross.
living that way doesn’t show people hope.
when i live for self, i wonder how many people i am leading to hell.
how many people am i leading down a life without any hope.
how many people am i causing to fail.

God. Savior. Creator. Father.
i mess up. i love me too much too often.
i live by my will rather than Yours.
i pray that You would kill my will. that i would die to it.
that Your will would be my will.
that i would hold nothing back from You.
that all i am would be Yours and only Yours.
that my life would reflect Your beauty and the hope You offer.
may i live with reckless abandon.
may You be my everything.
may i never boast in me.
may i always boast in You and Your Son and Your cross and Your love.
i thank You for Your patience, mercy, love, and understanding.
i’m sorry for not living as You want me to live.
and i know sorry is not enough.
may it translate Lord to action, to a way of living, to You being made much of.

i have been sick for about a week and a half now.
being sick is lame.
i was sick during christmas break too.
up until this christmas break i almost never got sick, maybe once or twice an entire yr and in a 3 month period i have managed to get ridiculously sick twice.

the other day i made a decision.
it is actually i kinda interesting one at that.
i decided to have a senior of high school. (Lord willing)
back in november i decided i wanted to attempt to graduate early.
so after some discussion with my parents i decided to make an attempt at it and go for it. well i have decided to not graduate early. due to my deciding to attempt to graduate early i was behind in taking sats, filling out apps, financial aid etc etc etc.
also i kept having second thoughts about getting out now and i kept wrestling with it in my head almost every day. so wednesday i spent the afternoon praying, thinking, and taking a nap.(naps are most beneficial, that may be a whole other blog in itself)
after waking from my nap, i grabbed pen and paper and wrote down what i was thinking. these are some of the things i wrote.
i am not ready as a person for college.
i have proven to myself i am not ready because of my lack of doing the research and work necessary to get into a school that would be the right choice for me.
and the schools i did have in my mind i would have no shot at getting in this late in the game.
do i really want to just get out of high school to go to a junior college and kinda float through this thing of life and college?
why am i trying to grow up so fast?
i realized i only get 4 yrs in my entire life to play basketball at the competitive level that is high school sports.
do i want to sell my one last yr of that out just to be doing general ed in some local community college?
(nothing against community college, but i want something more and bigger in life than that)
well that explains that i suppose.

now for the state of my site…
i’m back to my old look, which i have quickly grown to hate with a passion it almost seems. unfortunately there are not enough hours in the day for sports, school, church, homework, and spending 3-4 hours messing with the css and php files of a halfway decent wordpress theme…so until i do get some time to mess with it i guess i’ll leave it as is, but you never know, i’m just inconsistent enough to do something stupid.

well that turned into an update on my life…possibly another post later on tonight…no guarantees though.

live.
love.
live love.
live love as Jesus lived love.
psalm 8:3-4

live.
love.
live love.
live Christ.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuLgUpXHjFI[/youtube]

Summer of 2005, missions trip to Belgium, my world view began to change as the blurred vision of cars moved past me. The smell of gasoline. The taste of salty tears. The sound of cars filling up at the little gas station beside me. Little European cars . Little European gas station. Little European houses across the street. All flood my senses, to the point of overloading my mental state. Thousands of miles from home. From California. From America. In the country of Belgium where seemingly everyone is white skinned and either catholic or has rejected anything close to religion or God. The world is big. It’s huge. So far from everything I had ever known and yet I’m surrounded. Surrounded by the crowds of people I had only known in theory, by the buildings and places rumored to exist. It was all real now. Legit. True. I had seen the crowds, walked beneath the buildings and sensed the lack of hope. Finally beginning to grasp the vastness of this world broke me. Feeling so tiny, so miniscule, so trivial when held against the growing number of the world’s population, and yet this huge world, this vast number of human beings in existence is small. Is tiny. Is miniscule when compared with the Maker of it all. The Maker and Creator is so much more than what I know. Is so much more than what I am surrounded by. So much more than I can imagine. So much more and yet He died for the littleness that humanity is. So much more yet so few know. So few claim the hope and truth the Creator offers. So many live a life only to waste it. So few live a life worthwhile. I can’t comprehend it all. It blows my mind. It makes my being spin with confusion and awe. It hurts to think of possibly wasting my life. It hurts to think of others not only wasting their lives but existing forever apart from their Maker and Savior. What am I doing? How am I living? Am I helping or hurting. Fixing or breaking. Building up or tearing down. Living love or living self.

i recently have lost control. i got mad. i was frustrated and upset.
about an hour later i was able to get over it, and no longer be angry.
but i still screwed up.

we sang the “shout to the Lord” tonight.
sung the song more times than i can remember.
but tonight something stood out to me more than it had in the past.
“let every breath all that i am, never cease to worship You.”

during that period of time that i was angry and frustrated, when i let emotions get the better of me, i was not worshipping God.
my breath. my being.
they were not honoring my Maker.

that line is powerful.
to let every breath i breathe, my very state of being, never, absolutely never stop worshiping Him.

pastor davidson gave this definition for maturity.
maturity: consistently applying scripture to life’s situations

there’s that word again.
consistency.
i have written. i have struggled.
i have dealt with this either too much, or not enough.
maybe i’m asking too much.
to live a mature life.
to live consistently as a follower of Christ.
to live recklessly for Him.
to be perfect and holy as He has called us to be perfect and holy.
to never stop worshipping Him.
to always be in awe of Him.
to always respect Him.
to always love Him.
maybe.
but if He has called us to this life, then He expects our entire being, our entire devotion, our entire adoration, our entire obedience.

this is part of a post i wrote back in august.

Christ says to “be ye perfect, as i am perfect.”
almost seems like an impossible task.
to an extent it is. and yet we are told all things are possible.
i think i may never be fully redeemed. perfect. until i am in His presence.
or maybe, Christ desires us to be perfect now, but we don’t let Him.
He says if we ask He will give it to us.
c.s. lewis says this:

“that is why He (Jesus) warned people to ‘count the cost’ before becoming christians. ‘make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, i will make you perfect. the moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. nothing less, or other, than that. you have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. but if you do not push Me away, understand that i am going to see this job through. whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, i will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect – until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. this i can do and will do. but i will not do anything less.’ ”

have i grown more prefect?
or am i pushing away?
am i allowing Christ to do His thing?
or maybe sometimes i am, and other times i am giving into self.

life so often seems like an up and down roller coast of highs and lows.
i want to stay high spiritually. i want to be always go higher. closer to God.
none of this mediocrity stuff.
none of this floating through life.
just getting by as a “christian.”

to an extent i’m getting sick of that term “christian.”
it has been i think to a point perverted.
i’m not sure exactly what the percentage is of americans that claim to be “christians” but you probably have heard it to. it’s a lot higher than what one would think, if we used the term “christian” correctly.
it says little to call yourself a “christian.”
it says a lot in how you live.

we call ourselves “christian” but then we fight each other.
we call ourselves “christian” but then we live in such a way one would not that we serve a compassionate God.
we call ourselves “christian” but then we fail to love.
we call ourselves “christian” but then we try to act like we are better than everyone else.

my dad gave me an interesting quote, “the christian army is the only army known to shoot its own wounded.”

what happened to “they’ll know we are christians by our love” to being one like Jesus prayed that we would be?

what happened to legit christianity? maybe it’s still alive in those countries where the second you claim the name of Jesus, you are under persecution. maybe it’s alive in places where real christians have to meet secretly and with the knowledge that if caught they will die. maybe it’s alive in the hearts of those who without second thought refuse to deny Christ and take the bullet to the head.

in bible class we read an article by john piper, giving brief accounts of persecution to followers of Christ. the daughter of a missionary who was killed said something like this, “i’m glad that God found my father worthy of dying for Him.”

am i worthy of dying for Christ?

and we wonder why more people are not becoming “christians.”
do i want to tell someone i am a “christian?”
i think i am more inclined to tell someone i am a human being, redeemed by the grace of a loving God who is holy. a God who can not stand sin, but loves humanity so much that he died for His creation. that i am imperfect, that i struggle, that i fail, but that i trust and believe in a God bigger than my failures and struggles, and imperfections. that i do not pretend to have it all figured out, but know there is absolute truth, and that Christ is the source of all truth. that my desire in life is to be addicted to and drenched with Jesus and His teachings. that i want every breath to worship Him. that i realize i will never arrive and that there is always room for growth and improvement. that i do not hold myself above anyone.

Lord.
change me. teach me. make me teachable.
grow me. stretch me.
don’t let me be ok with mediocre.
may i be satisfied in You. may i glorify You with my satisfaction in You.
forgive me. i mess up so much.
i glorify and serve self more often than You.
take control.
take all of me.
don’t let me live compartmentalized.
make me to live with reckless abandon for Your glory.

i have written in a while…probably can tell…sorry for that…looks like once again i prove my point with my own actions…i give in to mediocrity cause it is easier…i give in to inconsisteny cause its easier…i live a typical pansy of a “christian” life…i don’t want that…i don’t want anything close to that.

love.
live love.
live Christ.

i feel like i should be posting something like i don’t know.
you get what i mean, and if not then oh well.

happy new year.

live.
love.
live love.
live christ.

writing is comfortable. i enjoy it. it’s easy.
saying the same things i write in a conversation is not always so easy.

i am not saying i have never had an in depth conversation with someone face to face.
i am not saying i have not been real and transparent in a conversation.
i have.
and i know it is difficult.
i know there is a relatively small number people i have been extremely open and real with.
there are relatively few people who have seen me at a breaking point.
who have seen me break down and cry.

it is hard to put yourself out in a vulnerable position.
for me it is easy to be vulnerable through writing.
maybe it is close enough to being vulnerable in person, but i do not think so.
i think it is important to experience both.
i think God desires that we are always vulnerable and transparent.
not only with Him but with those whom He puts in our community.
Christianity isn’t all about being independent and strong and tough.
it is about being real and honest enough with ourselves to see who we really are in comparison with our Maker.
to understand we are fragile.
we are weak.
we are called to be dependent.
dependent on Him and then on others.
the moment we feel and think we are independent we tell God we do not need Him.
we slap Him in the face and say we are good enough. say we got it all together.
but let’s not kid ourselves.
we are nothing.
in job 41 God describes leviathan to job.
he tells job of how magnificent and how powerful it is.
how much fear it strikes in man.
then God tells job how much greater am I than leviathan.

we don’t like being real with people.
it hurts sometimes.
it is frightening. it is not comfortable.
but christianity was never about comfort and not being hurt.
rather the opposite.
Jesus tells us that it is gonna be difficult.
that some of us will die for Him.
that we will suffer.
there will be much risk.
we are told to die to self.
to love God so much that it looks like we hate our family.
take up your cross daily.

it is not easy. it was never intended to be easy.
so why do we lie to ourselves and choose the easy way out.
why can’t we accept the truth and meet the challenge head on.
yeah it is gonna be very hard and very painful and very difficult.
if we know that going into it, shouldn’t it make us more dependent on Christ.
won’t that teach us to be humble.
will we not draw closer to God out of the sheer fact that we need Him and rely Him on so much.
we are nothing. absolutely nothing without God.
so why do we live like we are.

let’s just be real.
let’s be honest with ourselves.
let’s look at truth.
let’s head into this having counted the costs.
let’s enter this like the battle that it is.
let’s depend on one another to keep us dependent on God.
let’s grow together through the pain.
let’s not be afraid of having our faults pointed out.
let’s not be afraid of what other people will think.
let’s learn to live the way we were intended and created to.
dependent on God.
fragile.
real.
open.
truthfully.
in love.
loving God.
showing that love by loving each other.
by being willing to put ourselves out there and possibly be hurt.

it is not easy. so let’s not pretend like it.
i got a lot to work on. a lot room to grow.
we will never arrive. we will never reach a point having it down and all together.
so let’s be passionate about always moving forward. always moving closer to God.
closer to the way we were made to be.

let’s live. and love. and live love.
let’s live Christ out.

1. i do not like marshmallows.
2. i have an immense fear of being surrounded by water..pool,lake, ocean etc…
3. have noticed clothing companies are beginning to make their size smalls really big.
4. clowns freak me out.
5. i hate sit ups.
6. and dislike running more than about three-fourths mile.
7. i don’t like dirt.
8. or being dirty.
9. i watch mythbusters .
10. and the food network.
11. i often eat to fast.
12. and touch my face too much.
13. want go to chapman university.
14. and visit new york city.
15. and make a stop motion video.
16. i use aveeno lotion.
17. and old spice for deodorant.
18. drink black coffee.
19. otherwise it is a peppermint mocha.
20. am a clean freak.
21. i take 2 showers a day minimum(typically).
22. subconsciously i scratch my head. often it seems.
23. hoping to redesign this site at least 24 more times.
24. don’t like christmas music(the overplaying of it)
25. i want to read more.
26. live more consistently.
27. live in balance.
28. use a red one camera.
29. waste less time.
30. i find “lol” to be very annoying.
31. i want to completely shave my head.
32. want to learn to draw better.
33. want to work for apple.
34. greatly enjoy vitamin water.
35. and steak.
36. write a children’s book. (might be easier than say a novel)
37. hate microsoft.
38. i love sleep too much.
39. i think platypuses are phenomenal.
40. do not like the disney channel.
41. jeans. flip flops. polo.
42. i like the numbers 11 and 24.
43. the number 11 is the same forwards, backwards, and upside down.
44. i used to cut my own hair.
45. was told i needed glasses in 7th grade. wore them for 4 months then never again. have passed all my vision test since then just fine.
46. i had 5 wisdom teeth pulled. i typed that correctly. 5.
47. 3 musketeer bars and twix top all other candy bars.
48. have read half of uncle tom’s cabin.
49. i am half pacific islander(filipino) and half white.
50. i am not half asian
51. own one belgium soccer jersey and it is about 3 sizes too big.
52. own one nba jersey and it is about a size too small.
53. know at least 3 other tims
54. do not believe in capitalization. (for the most part.)
55. had braces.
56. am very thankful for running water.
57. am ok with waking up early
58. don’t drink milk. it hurts my stomach.
59. wear size 8 and half in shoes.
60. will respond to jim. jim-bo. doug. and t-dub. and wright.
61. my middle name is dizon.
62. i have trouble winking.
63. i enjoy acting.
64. i have my permit.
65. wendy’s is my favorite fast food place.
66. i love pasta and italian food.
67. i only have 3 keys.
68. i am starting to wear hats more often.
69. love ironwood. except that it is desert. not a big fan of desert.
70. i type poorly.
71. i have been to belgium twice.
72. i like the color brown. and red. and blue. and sometimes green.
73. and black. white too.
74. i do not like math.
75. or geometry.
76. sometimes i do not like science.
77. i like history.
78. and english.
79. and bible class.
80. i like it when the dentist clean my teeth.
81. i like the mountains.
82. i get scared going up and down the windy skinny roads.
83. i think 83 is enough.

jeans. flip flops.
a favorite combination of mine.

i am currently sneezing.
it actually hurts sometimes.
cough drops work wonders.
not a fan of being sick.
eric lokker i don’t know how you do it.
but i’m sure there is something to learn from it.
just right now i’m not sure what that is.

hopefully some better posts soon.

live.
love.
live love.
live christ.

anyways.
go get a gravatar.
it will let you have a spiffy or not so spiffy image to go with your comments.
~i think nick at least will like it.~

bob has a sweet new site design for ersendaam. i absolutely love it.

some quick links i have found interesting or amusing this last week.

flip: flips your text upside down.
iphone proposal: guy proposes with an iphone.
ok…: 70 yr. old lady spends 3 days in a walmart.

the year of 2007 is almost over.

maybe on new year’s i’ll have a better post of some kind. maybe even a list. who knows.

love.

post script.

i love bob. and stealing stuff from him. thank you bob.

a time we typically spend with family and the giving and receiving of gifts.
Jesus was the most amazing gift ever given and for that i am truly thankful to have received that gift.

and now taking a cue from james’s blog a tiny update on my christmas break.

-paces…some of you know i am attempting to graduate early by taking paces(some curriculum thing) well out of 12 books i need to have finished by the years end(school year, not ‘07 thankfully) i have completed 1 and am almost done with 2 so i got some work to do yet..

-basketball…it’s going, enjoying it, love the game, love my team, i hate losing with a passion and am very easily ticked off and frustrated but i just hate to lose. i don’t have a problem with anyone i just hate to lose so don’t be mad if i yell at you or seem mad cause i probably am…

-driving…i have my permit and love driving. whether it be in the beast (’93 ford escort wagon in throw up color) or the civic i enjoy it, too much probably.
i had the opportunity to drive to victorville and back yesterday so that was a whole new experience of freeway driving and i’m still alive so that is a good sign. i may be driving up to palm springs on wednesday as well so the more the merrier as they say…

-presents…we all love them, don’t even deny it. so here is what i got. i am a nerd, geek, techie or whatever else you want to call it but yes i am, i did actually ask for the presents i got.
-3 gigs of ram for my imac
-photoshop elements 4.0 for mac (i had a pice of junk version my friend let me borrow before)
-10 mini dv tapes (they get expensive trust me)

if you think you got better presents than me, then i dare you to comment what you possibly could have gotten that was better than my list.

love to you all.

live love.
live Christ.

merry christmas.

post script

my mother is making lumpia and ham. so good, so tasty. “are you a fan of delicious flavor”

not sure how to describe it really, but when you are in rhythm you just know it.
everything flows.
is smooth.
natural.
its like when you are just shooting around and shots are just going in.
not even trying.
you don’t even think about anything and the shots just fall.
it feels good.
it’s rhythmic.
it’s natural feeling.
it’s fluid.
or in the course of a game.
make a nice pass, layup is finished, play good defense, another play goes well, momentum building.
you get in rhythm.
your team gets in rhythm.
my coach in 8th grade told us first day of practice.
basketball as well as an other sport is a game of rhythm.
team with the better rhythm wins.
better flow.
more fluid.
natural.
easy.
part of being a good player or good team is being a player or team that can get in rhythm before the other team and stay in rhythm and keep them out of rhythm.
so the patriots on a roll right now.
you better believe they have rhythm.
now musically i know nothing about rhythm but i imagine it can’t be to different from that of the rhythm in sports.
and not only music and sports, but art, design, anything really.
once in a rhythm it is so much easier and so much more beautiful and fluid,
when nothing is forced.
when it comes and flows naturally.

so what about with God.
am in rhythm.
is my life in rhythm.
is it flowing.
is it fluid.

i just think of how good it feels to be in rhythm when i play basketball or am drawing or designing something and i gotta think if i can be in true rhythm with God that has got to feel good too.
better than good.
i think we are called to live in rhythm.
in tune.
in step.
with Him and His truth.

am i walking where He wants me to walk.
am i saying what He wants me to say.
am i in rhythm.

i have struggled with the idea of being perfect as God has called us to be in perfect in Him.
but the thing about being in rhythm is this.
it isn’t about being perfect for say.
i mean if im playing basketball and i miss one shot but i made 3 before that and then i make 4 more after and i make some good passes then i make a bad pass then i make 2 more good passes right after, i’m still in rhythm.

there is still flow and fluidity.
but if i let that one missed shot or one bad pass get to me i can let that break my flow.
my rhythm.
and then before you know it there is complete lack of rhythm and i’m falling apart.

we all make mistakes.
we all screw up.
we all sin.
but i, you, we should all be doing it a little bit less each day.
getting better.
in rhythm.
once we mess up we get right back up and back into rhythm.
get back in the flow.
become fluid once more.

God created everything with a purpose and a reason.
God created rhythm.
He said it was good.
the narrative of creation is actually written in such a way that when the jews would read it, it would be that of a rhythmic reading.
the very name of God in hebrew is the sound of rhythmic breathing.

Lord.
keep me in Your rhythm.
may my life be one that is consistent.
one that is constantly desiring You and learning satisfaction in You.
when i mess up Lord, don’t let me linger there.
pick me up. push me. stretch me. grow me.

love to you all.
live love.
live Christ.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” – john piper

if that is true.
and i believe it to be.
then why do i not glorify God all the time?
why am i not satisfied?

how is it possible to not be satisfied with Christ?
He died for me!
He died!
He created, He loved, He died, He rose again and said here have life and enjoy it and have it eternally.
He puts up with all the stupid trash i give Him.
He loves me anyway.
He wants me anyway.
God. the Creator.
wants me.
loves me.
puts up with me.
it doesn’t make any sense.
yet it does doesn’t it?

why do i let so many other meaningless things satisfy me.
why do i let them take my attention and focus off of the One who rescued me.

why can’t i just want Him.
why do i want other stuff.

makes me almost wonder if the true way of following Christ is to sell everything and live on the street just living Christ’s love out in a very real way.

maybe i just have it too easy.

makes me wonder how much i really believe.
how much i really trust Him.
Jesus said to give up everything.
everything.
not to hold on, not to look back.

maybe i’m stuck looking in the rear view mirror.
maybe i keep pausing and turning around and contemplating the easy way out.

but how, why is that an issue, how is that possible.
God has given me something so amazing. so powerful.
His truth is clear.
why will i not live for Him with reckless abandon.

Jesus said to count the costs.
and it’s clearly worth it.
it’s the only way that makes sense.
it seems backwards.
it seems upside down.
but i’m backwards.
i’m upside down.
i’m the problem, i’m the perversion of what is good.
c.s. lewis wrote this “Goodness is, so to speak, itself: badness is only spoiled goodness. And there must be something good first before it can be spoiled.”

God made everything and said that it was good.
but now humanity has perverted and destroyed that goodness.
the good, that which is of the Creator is right side right.
the spoiled goodness or badness that we know makes the true goodness look wrong side wrong.

i don’t even know right now.
i’m so hurt.
so broken.
so angry.
convicted if you will of who i am and how i choose to live.
i have chosen grace and liberty in Christ.
yet so often i choose me over Him.
i hate that.
i hate it with a passion.
but apparently not enough.
apparently i don’t love God like i want to.
apparently i’m a huge mess.
i can’t take it.
how is it possible to not be satisfied in God??
after all He has done and given how can i have the audacity to treat Him like i do…
how can i dare not do everything He asks?
how can i be so bold to the One who made me?

God i’m sorry.
and i know sorry is not enough.
just saying it means nothing.
i want to live love.
i want to live You out.
God its times like this i wish You had made us to just obey You no matter what.
so that i couldn’t hurt You.
disappoint You.
run from You.
but You are God not me.
and You knew what You were doing when You made this thing called earth and humanity.
God i don’t even know…
i have no more words.
just feelings and emotions that can not be described, but You know huh?
You get it.
thanks for being You.

i’m still trying to find a good picture for the header.
but at this moment i have what i think is a cool picture of some chalk art a friend of mine did a couple summers ago.
not sure if it really flows with the rest of the site or not, but for now it will suffice quite well.

*edit: bob is awesome and has helped me get rotating header images so now every time you refresh or click a link within the site you get a new random image.

hopefully this theme is a little easier to use as far as finding your way around my site.
so please visit the other pages such as the about and pictures that you may not have even known existed.

gracias para tu tiempo. (thanks for your time)

live.
love.
live love.
live Christ.

i so often fail that.
i desire to honor and glorify God in every aspect of my life.
yet it is seemingly rare that i actually do.
when we lose a basketball game i feel i have failed to glorify God.
i know that is not always true, but if winning is the goal and the best, doesn’t God desire that?
the best.
achieving the goal?
then there are times when i look back and just say i really do not think that how i how acted there made much of my Savior but rather made much of me.
how do i glorify God when i sleep?
a question i have long struggled with and have been given the answer to and yet so many times it didn’t seem to click.
i get it i do, that i can glorify God even in my sleep.
but you know what i really don’t get it.
is that possible to get it and at the same time not get it?
i “get” that God is my Creator.
i “get” absolute truth.
but i don’t “get” either.

life is simple right.
live to the honor and glory of God.
glorify Him in everything you do.
sounds simple enough.
yet how much more complex does that actually turn out to be.
so i have to ask, is it complex and seemingly difficult because it just is, or is it because i am human, or is it because humanity has perverted this concept just like humanity has perverted love and success and reward.

i know that i have struggled before with how to glorify God in everything i do and say.
i have even written about it before.
just as i have written about inconsistency and balance who knows how many times.

it seems like these struggles and questions may never leave my life.
but each day each struggle and each question becomes a little more clear.
a little more understandable.
i get a little less confused.

this has been poorly written, and poorly organized and extremely random at times.
for that i apologize.
to you and to God.
for not making this the best.
but right now i don’t know how else to write this.
maybe one day i’ll figure out how to write better.

“it is a sin to not give your best.”

i pray i did not waste too much of your time with this.

live love.
live Christ.
“love is doing what is best for someone” -john piper

skipping beats
out of rhythm

lack of control
reckless i am
not keeping my head
and breaking down

in fast forward
i am and i know
yet once again i find
myself to be going to fast

slow me down
slow me down
slow my tempo down

ashamed i stand
for i learn not
from my mistakes
i repeat in fast forward

lack of thinking
lack of learning
lack of balance
lack of understanding
lack of it all

fast forward
200 times too fast
too many times
in this state
state of fast forward

i need to slow it all down
think it all through

leaning then falling,
wavering to and fro,
now high then low
left then right, i wander
from one extreme to another
out of rhythm and out of space

from too little to too much,
i try and fail.
unbalanced i’ve become.
unbalanced i’ve always been.
this feeling i know,
oh too well do i know…
unbalance i know…

i’m not where i need to be
are you the why, unbalance?
the why, the reason
the reason i flail,
flail like a desperate child
lost in this unbalance i know
is me and me alone to blame

from too little to too much,
i try and fail.
unbalanced i’ve become.
unbalanced i’ve always been.
this feeling i know,
oh too well do i know…
unbalance i know…

oh Lord, give me balance
oh Lord, oh Lord i ask
i cry to live,
to live in Your way
balanced and true
only for You

(first verse)

so tired of confusion
so tired of me
so tired of messing up
so tired of the disrespect i give

(chorus)

life is precious, life is short

i just want to live it right
i just want my life to be what it was meant to be
i just want to do as my Maker wills
i just want to be His

one shot is all i got
at this thing called life
i just want to live it right
i just want to live it through His might

(second verse)

so tired of trying on my own
so tired of giving up
so tired of only giving a part
so tired of saying i believe
then living otherwise

(chorus)

life is precious, life is short

i just want to live it right
i just want my life to be what it was meant to be
i just want to do as my Maker wills
i just want to be His

one shot is all i got
at this thing called life
i just want to live it right
i just want to live it through His might

(bridge)

so tired, so tired, so tired
of getting it wrong
so tired, so tired, so tired
of being my own
so tired, so tired, so tired
of offering trash to the One i love

oh i long to live
oh i long to love
oh i long for Him, to live for Him, to love for Him

(chorus)

life is precious, life is short

i just want to live it right
i just want my life to be what it was meant to be
i just want to do as my Maker wills
i just want to be His

one shot is all i got
at this thing called life
i just want to live it right
i just want to live it through His might

i just want to do this right

think what you will, but that’s just me.

on a more upbeat note, some things i do love about christmas.

1. people are typically a little nicer and a little more generous
2. the spirit of giving and wishing the best for one another
3. a whole day is set to honor the birth of the Savior
4. getting stuff, not gonna lie i do enjoy it
5. no school
6. peppermint mocha from starbucks
7. christmas starbuck cups
8. plenty of sports on t.v. to watch
9. brings the year to an end on a generally positive note
10. reminds me of just how blessed i really am

so i’ve written two lists in a row now.
not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
i’d wish you all a merry christmas but seriously now, it’s still november.
love to you all.

we are told to count our blessings. to make them known. so i’m going to do just that.
in no particular order these are people who have impacted my life and for whom i am thankful.

1. my mom and dad- they have given me so much from their time to money to advice, i could not imagine better parents
2. mi hermano- even though things can get rough i love him to death
3. pastor matt- i don’t even know where to start, thanks for everything
4. eric – i can always go to him with anything, some of the best conversations i’ve had were with this guy
5. the leavells - i love you guys so much and am so thankful for what you do
6. angie- for listening, for laughing, for making me smile, for being you
7. tracy loi- my secretary who stole my yo-yo
8. tim higgins- who knows what i would do after a loss if it weren’t for you
9. aaron chidester - good talks man
10. bryant- attempting to write something worth while at starbucks with me
11. matt markulis- thanks for the talks, and the ipod too
12. bob - inspires so much creativity and out of the box thinking
13. biz- your awesome
14. coach- for all your time and energy you spend coaching
15. spencer- for teaching me sound and design and for all the rides
16. chelsea- for “making” me film youth activities, i am forever indebted to you for that
17. james - my fellow wordpress blogger and video guy
18. nick- for making ideas reality, t-shirts, the fort, etc.
19. hillary phan- for pointing out my faults
20. cesar- i miss you dude
21. katie collier- for missing marshall with me
22. lori- we cleaned bathrooms in a foreign country, how awesome was that
23. “marshall” mike ames- the few times i’ve had to listen to you have meant so much
24. jae- probably the absolute nicest and most generous guy i know
25. jonny lopez- we still need to work on that children’s book

i’m sure this is not a complete list but just the first 25 to come to mind.

and i leave you with some truth:
“if it weren’t for your friends, you wouldn’t have any friends”

love to you all and happy thanksgiving.

why are we always tearing one another down.
hurting.
damaging.
so often with our words, we tear down, we hurt, we damage.
and we do so easily, often without any thought.

now i have written briefly about this before, but i have learned some more on the subject recently in bible class that makes it that much more convicting to me.

when we put others down, we typically do so by lifting ourselves up.
or at the expense of making us look good, we make someone else look bad.
but it is more than that.
by my saying i am better than someone else, or by tearing them down, i am claiming the position of judge.
and not just judge, but God.
i am saying i have authority, i have power to put you down and lift me up.
which means we are saying i am God if not better than God.

most people would never just come out and say i am God or even dare say i am better than God. yet on a daily basis we do just that with our actions.
we have the audacity to degrade another human being.
a human being made in the image of God.
a human being whom after Christ created said it is good.
we dare take something God has called good and we cheapen it, we devalue it.

it is so easy to think we are doing just fine.
to think we are doing what God wants.
living the proper christian life.
yet i think that if we saw how truly horrendous even our seemingly trivial sins are we would have to greatly question how well our spiritual life really is.

when i take the time to see just what sin really is.
to see that sin is putting me above all else.
putting my desires first.
i see that i essentially am slapping my Savior in the face and saying i really don’t care that He died for me.
i really don’t care about His love.
i really don’t care about Him.
i hate that.
i hate that with a passion.
than i would treat my God and King like that.
and yet i do so everyday, and so often without even taking the time to realize it.
it makes me sick.
and yet i have come to this place before.
this place of sickness and hate of self and flesh.
this place of desiring i lived like my King asks.
this place of yearning for living like He really is my King.
this place of realization that i treat My Lord so poorly.
this place seems to be one i am either too familiar with or not familiar enough.
shouldn’t i always be in a place of wanting and desiring to live more righteously.
shouldn’t i be seeking to improve and grow and draw nearer and be more holy.
but shouldn’t i also not be finding myself in a place where i am more about me than God.
shouldn’t i be seeing less me and more Him.
or is it that God is just so holy, so perfect, that i never leave this place of imperfection.
that i never leave this place of finding myself short of His glory.

i know its a journey.
i know i will never arrive, at least this side of life.
but still i wonder at times.
i struggle to know how i can evaluate where i am.
how i am doing.
i know i have a long ways to go.
i know i am so far of where i need to be.
but yet i wonder.

so i long to not be stationary.
to not be always found in the same place.
rather i long to move.
to be moving.
to be drawing nearer to my King.
to be changing for the better.
to be growing more like my Savior.

free typing, free writing same thing i suppose.

the song “enough” has been running through my head all day.
partially because we sang it during spam night and i used it in the video as well.
but also the meaning of the song is a little bit more real to me today than it has in the past.
i have always felt like i understood the song so to speak.
got the drift.
the point.
God is more than enough.
it’s like here’s the amount we need and God is that amount and then much more.
this is one of those truths that really is only effective if lived out.
if it is truly believed.
i can say God you are more than enough for me.
You are beyond what i need.
and then i have the gall to tell God hey i need such and such and i need it now.
or i complain and wonder why God hasn’t blessed me as much as He has seemingly blessed someone else.
it’s like i am never truly satisfied.
even though i claim to be satisfied in Christ.

in Bible class we have been discussing this idea of christian hedonism
which basically says that the only way to glorify and please God is to be completely satisfied in Him.
that is so much easier said that done.
it is so easy, particularly as americans, to be constantly wanting and never satisfied until we have the latest and greatest.
we, i, always want more.
i know i’m guilty.

paul was able to say in whatever situation i find myself in i am content.
but i don’t think it is all about being satisfied with everything.
i should not be satisfied with how close i am to God.
i should always be craving more.
striving to be closer.
i should not be satisfied with my service to others.
i shouldn’t be content with partially helping someone when i know i can and should do so much more.

my thoughts are so disorganized right now.
for that i apologize.

Lord,
may i be truly be satisfied in You.
may You truly be more than enough, but never let me have enough of You.
may i always be seeking You more and never be satisfied with my relationship with You.
thank You for being You.

first basketball practice was today.
i body feels bruised and beat up as if i had just got done playing a physical team about halfway through the season.

got a hair cut today.
glad i got it now, but it didnt turn out quite the way i would have liked.
but that’s ok.

God is good.
He got me through the day.
He provided food and nourishment for me today.
He provided running water.

i think i’m going to write more about running water soon.

for now.
love.
live love.
live Christ.

–side note, i haven’t even titled all my recent consistency posts the same way.–

God is good because He kept us safe while traveling.
because He is God.
because He is love.

love.
live love.
live like Jesus.

all the attempts at espanol are due to me preparing por mi examen de espanol.

i’m definitely not the best at spanish that is for sure…
God is good all the time.
always.
no matter what it may seem like.
it’s an encouraging thought to know that even in the seemingly worst of times or situations God is good.
and not only is God good, but He wants the best for us.
we just don’t always understand or see how or why something is the best for us.

couple more posts to go in my attempt at establishing some sort of consistency in my life.

love.
live love.
live love like Jesus lived love.

we watched the nooma video breathe tonight.
my second time seeing it.
it was so powerful.
even more so this second time than the first.

the hebrew name for God is literally described as the sound of breathing.
every breath we breathe we are in fact breathing the very name of our Creator.
believer or not.
rob bell gives the example that an atheists can say “there is no God” and in that very statement he just uttered the name of the God He claims does not exist.
truth is absolute whether you believe it or not.
breathing occurs at the beginning and end of life.
in order to be alive one must breathe.
when one dies he is no longer able to breathe.
but in light of our breaths being the name of God, rob suggests that rather life begins by saying the name of God and ends when we are no longer able to say our Creators name.
every single person has this breath, this presence of God in them.
God is everywhere.
brings new meaning to the song “this is the air we breathe”

i am merely scratching the surface of what was presented in this video.

i am so in awe.
so amazed.
dumbfounded.
thankful.
humbled.
by my Lord’s love.
His power.
compassion.
mercy.
ability to forgive.

may we
may i
learn to breathe in deep the name of God
and perhaps exhale that which may be troubling us

i have nothing more to say.
i have done such an injustice to what and who God is.
He is so much more than could ever be imagined by humanity.

now i know some people are not morning people at all and i can understand that.
but for me waking up early is just fine as long as i have had adequate sleep.
i have begun to notice somethings about mornings, mainly something i noticed while re-reading what i wrote yesterday morning.
i listed more reasons that God was good than i had on my previous afternoon post.
now i like to ask why when i see something different.
so i did.
and i think that i can tend to be more thankful in the morning right after i have waken up and right before i go to bed.
whether this is right or wrong healthy or not i am just going to state what i have found true in my own life.

right when i wake up(after going to the restroom right away of course)
i desire to recognize God immediately and thank Him for the new day, the new start, another chance to live out His love, and am genuinely desiring that i begin the day with Him hoping to continue the day in Him.
but then shortly there after i can get caught up in the rush of oh i forgot to do this or i need to wrap this up before i leave and before i know it my morning is gone and i’m barely ready as i scramble out the door.
and then the day goes on and i spend little time thinking on God and little time just being still and hanging with Him.
then evening comes, and i get homework done, check blogs, check scores, check a few other sites for anything new, talk to friends, photoshop, draw, work out(not so much anymore but im trying to get back into it), and whatever thing i may end up doing, but again often little time is spent talking with my Savior.
(if i were to break down the minutes of my day actually spent with God, i am sure it is not where it should be)

now occasionally i do have days when i feel really tight with God and am thinking on Him much of the day and have taken time to just be still and know that He is God.
but more often than not i find myself in too big of a hurry or doing something i want to do or feel needs to be done.
in fact sometimes i love being busy more than i love God.

is it ok that i am so inconsistent?
is it ok to have the high lights of my spiritual life be twice a day?

i would have to say no.
it is not alright.
God is anything but inconsistent.
and we are to be in His image.
we are to imitate His very being.
that of holiness, goodness, love, and consistency.

when moses asked God for His name.
He replied “I AM”
He isn’t different sometimes or depending on the situation.
He just is and always is.

to prove how inconsistent i really am i offer this example.
if you were to look back far enough through all my post will you find a couple posts on inconsistency.
i even wrote a poem about it which a friend is writing music for.
i even designed a graphic to express my frustration with inconsistency in my own life.
i wrote the poem and the song as ways to make it known to myself and to remind myself of my own failure and need for improvement.
and yet here i am.
post numero quatro of attempt at consistency.
i can add “writing a post everyday for 7 days straight” to the poem and graphic.

i am sick of high’s and lows.
i am sick of inconsistency.
i am sick of how often i have typed or said that.

when is life change going to happen.
i have not fully learned this concept obviously.
because learning is proven by life change.
i think i have partially learned as i believe i have seen some life change, but not the type of change that comes from full learning and full belief and totally 100 percent buying into something.

i know this a bit of a longer post.
some of the things i have said may not have made much sense.
some of that is me.
some of that though also that i have drawn from many previous posts.
to check those out just scroll on down all the way to the bottom.

i have a few other things i want to write but i’ll save that for another day.
make it easier to have something to write about in the next few days as i attempt consistency.
that and this is probably too long anyhow.

i’m not giving up though.
God has made certain promises i know that He will keep them.
i just need to start acting on faith a little more.

love to you all.
may we wish the best for each other and lift one another up for the glory of our Savior.

God is good because He has allowed me to wake up this morning and has given a brand new day and fresh start.
He has blessed me with the ability to get good grades, i do not for one second claim to be smart or do well in school of my own abilities, it is all God and i give God the credit and the glory.
God is good because He has allowed me to have running water, and not just running water, but running hot water in a shower.
for this i am truly thankful and amazed at His kindness.

i’m off to look over some notes and then begin my long trek of a walk to school.
love to you all.
live love.

God is good because He has given us a free country in which we can come and gather.

in little over an hour pastor matt will be preaching on envy, which i talked briefly of in an earlier post.
the thought of anything short of wanting the absolute best for others is killing me.
i so often am not wanting the absolute best and am merely passive at best.
which is wrong.

on a lighter note…i went to the newly designed and remodeled apple store at south coast this afternoon. it is absolutely beautiful. stainless steel walls, beautiful stone floor, spacious, very well organized and laid out. all the more reason i want to work there.

also i got a tell someone you love them shirt.

live love.
live Christ.
love to you all who take time to read this.

God was good today in that i woke up and was alive.
i have food to eat at my house.
he kept me safe today while driving.

nothing of God is trivial.

live love.
live Christ.

keep me accountable.

love.

live it.

today in Bible class we learned the second half to the Biblical definition of envy:
“not wishing and wanting the best for others”

once you add that part in i start to get uncomfortable.
i may not always wish or desire bad for some one,
but i do not always desire the best.and we should want the best for them.
even if it means we aren’t being or getting the best.

the more i think of how often i am non chalant about what is happening in other people’s lives the more i feel like a complete jerk.
sometimes i am hoping for the best, but more often than not i am just passive about it.

i want to learn to rejoice in other’s success and accomplishments.
to rejoice in the goodness God is showering them with.
to rejoice in the fact that God is good all the time.

so if God has something good for you recently leave it in the comments so i can rejoice with you.
so others who may read it although that may be few may also rejoice.

i know i am often guilty of not always speaking of God’s goodness in my life, but i need to be.
i am going to attempt to post more often just on how God is good.
(please by all means keep me accountable)
even if it is something that seems small.
nothing of God is trivial.

love to you all.
live love.
live Christ.

well i don’t know what to title this so…
um…here it is…

i now have pictures up. much nicer way or presenting them than flickr.
to view them (at least at the time being, i’ll explain shortly) scroll on down to the bottom and click the link called amazingly enough pictures.

i say at the time being because i may be changing themes in the near future…or i may not…

well to those of you “faithful readers” (james understands)
thanks for taking the time to see what runs through my head.

love to you all.

that is how i want to live.
how i was meant to live.
the way God intended us to live.

why do i complain?
tear down.
hurt.
harm.
destroy.

it doesn’t make any sense, yet it is so easy to do.
it is easier to talk trash than to praise.
it is easier to do harm then to help.
it is easier to complain and be critical than to offer a solution and do something about it.
it is easier to tear down than to build up.

it’s easier.
how lame.

rather than live in a way that benefits others and evokes change for the better,
we choose that which is easier.

lazy.
afraid.
or maybe we don’t care.
but we should care.
God has given so much and deserves our submission.
He knows what is best and wants the best for us.
yet somehow we think that we know better than the One who made us and everything else in existence.
so instead of having self discipline and giving Christ control,
we say i want my way, i know more than God, and want the easy way out.

i’m tired of living for me.
and for that which is easy and comfortable.
i’m tired of complaining.
and acting like i know what is best.

i want to be part of the solution.

i just want to live life the way God intended life to be lived.
i just want to do what He wants me to do.
i almost wish i were a robot and just did exactly what i was told.
i hate screwing up.
i hate choosing my own way.
i hate disappointing my Maker and Redeemer.
i hate the fact that i use the word i and me so much.

i want to encourage.
to build up.
to fix that which broken.
to love.
to live love.
to live Christ.

i can’t do it alone.
i’ve figured that much out.
but God says anything is possible through Him.
enough of me and more of Him.
no more me and all of Him.

but it’s easier to live for me.

i hate choosing the easier, yet i so often do…
and somehow God still loves me and wants the best for me.
and somehow He still wants to change me and wants me to live life His intended way.

i’ve driven a bit more now, and liking it a lot.
it’s getting a little easier and more comfortable each time.
i drove my mom’s ‘93 ford escort wagon.
the beast.
one day my beast i hope.
my dad has a civic, but who wants a civic when you can have the beast.

november 10.
first basketball practice.
so pumped.
excited.
and any other words that describe elaborate joy and excitement fit here.

new casting crowns cd is amazing.
totally digging it.

watched the nooma video “store” by rob bell.
thoroughly enjoyed the filming, very creative.
i liked it.
but more than that.
it was powerful as usual.
it would be a whole other post to talk about it here, and im too tired to think straight enough to do any justice to the message that was brought.
i would strongly recommend the viewing it.

and last but definitely not least.
spam.com
amazing.
enough said.

i want a spam t-shirt.

thanks for reading the ramblings of my mind.
love to you all.

between want and need,
necessity and greed.

to want.
to crave.

what is need.
and what is just desire.

my mind says i need.
but perhaps i simply desire.

i need, said my greed.

these words came crashing through my mind as i tried to sleep.
came from nowhere it seemed.
i got up and grabbed a pen and half piece of paper and just started writing.
i wasn’t even thinking i just wrote.
then i typed what was written with no thought.
only now is my mind even beginning to wake up.

love feedback and criticism.

love to you all.

almost forgot,
navigation, links, etc. are down at the bottom in case you were wondering,
but i know you are all smart enough to figure that out:)

how awesome would it be, if i could open (with the help of some friends of course) a studio for recording, mixing, editing, audio and video and graphics.
like have a band come in, record and mix for them.
shoot and edit their music video.
design their album covers, webiste, whatever.
and not just bands, but whoever for any of those things.

unsoundtransient studios.
unsoundtransient productions.

hm.
i like the sound of that.

at the moment such a place only exist on my imac in my room, which actually isn’t that bad for recording audio in.

i envision something stupendous.
top of the line equipment.
mac pros…cinema displays…best mics…you name it…

but even better.
it could be a non profit.
forget money.
money is only needed for the necessities.
life isn’t about money.
and besides i would be having too much fun doing stuff i love to do and would do for free anyway.
just charge enough to cover the basic expenses.

be able to do stuff for churches and missionaries at no cost.
i would love to serve those people, particularly missionaries at no cost.
they sacrifice so much, and don’t have the time to make high quality support videos and the such.

its just an idea.
but God is big.
bigger than this idea.

i like this current word press theme.
but…
when you go to a page from the top navigation my sidebar changes.
i cant find an easy way to change it even in the page templates part of theme editor.
also the page seems to always be loading or something.
no clue what is up with that.
so if it seems to freeze up or freak out on you. well.
your not the only one.

i have been searching forever it seems for a well designed and pleasing theme to me that is also functional.

anyone out there has any ideas please let me know.
for now i guess i shall roll with this.

love to you all.

p.s.
i have spent way too much time looking for themes.
i have seen i believe every single terrible design ever designed.
my eyes hurt.
i’m up way too late i think.

*edit: this was two themes ago, i have been changing a lot here, bare with me as i look for one i like

maybe i’m missing something here.
but as i was thinking of those phrases the other day, i began to wonder.
why?
how?
why do we bless the name of the Lord?
how is a name worthy of praise?
the idea that the name of the Lord is amazes me.
so awe inspiring.
so powerful.
worthy.
confounds me.
confuses me.
inspires me.
how does praising or blessing His name work?
i think of a name, as well, a name. not much else.

yet i believe the Bible to be absolute truth.
and absolute truth tells me to bless His name and that His name alone is worthy of my praise.
so i have to believe that God is just so, i don’t even think there is a word that exists that describes the word that should fit here.
amazing isn’t powerful enough.
powerful. forever. creator. master.
none of these seems to fit.
i mean they all fit yet not enough.
they only scratch the surface of who God is.
if the name of God alone is that magnificent, that awesome, then how much more is He.
i can’t wrap my mind around this idea that His name alone is so worthy.
many times before i have come to the place of awe and not being able to comprehend God, but now His name.
a name.
a name seems so insignificant.
yet His is significant enough to be praised.

in all actuality.
i can’t fathom anything.
i really don’t get how anything could be.
the simplest things amazes me.
the fact that, that simple thing exists dumbfounds me.
the idea of life.
of living.
love.
redemption.
eating food.
growing.
nature.
death.
birth.
flight.
pictures.
video.
languages.
comprehension.
writing.
typing.
the idea that i can not fully understand what i am stating i do not understand.
the fact that i do not comprehend how i physically am able to type this sentence.
that as i type words appear on the screen, and that you know what these symbols called letters mean and represent.
why God made us.
why He bothers to spend so much on me.

i’ll never understand it all.
that much i do know.
or do i?
can i even know that….

but i like to film everything.
here’s the first three songs in the order that they occurred.

“aveeno”

“deoderant”

“text messages”

a hopefully more polished and edited video of the other activities is to come as well.

……

i just got done listening to a message by a man named john piper.
pretty popular preacher/writer right now.
maybe you have heard of him, maybe you have read his book or even have heard the message i just listened to.
i had only read a few excerpts of his stuff and never heard a message until about 30 min ago.
it was titled “don’t waste your life.”

……

we had this bible project.
it was to make a collage of images that represent todays culture and to label them as either tests or temptations.
test being of God.
temptations being of the devil and of our own lusts.
some things are both.
some are tests for one and temptations for another.

……

i hope to now make some sense of the 3 previous paragraphs.

three fairly different events or things or whatever you want to call them and for me they all have everything to do with each other.

my personal collage consisted heavily of apple products and “stuff.”
materialism.
one of my biggest struggles.
probably one of the biggest things that the culture of today is teaching.

stuff = happiness
money gets you stuff.
get more money, get more stuff.
therefore more money means more happy.

biggest lie out there.

now the message that john piper spoke was about just that.
not living for stuff.
for retirement.
for pleasure.
for yourself ultimately.
life is short.
we get one shot.
no do overs.
no re-dos.
no but…umm…but…
no here let me try again.
one shot.
one.
no more.

we so often say tomorrow i’m gonna do this, or this is my 2 yr. plan, or whatever.
and i have to admit i have recently with the thoughts of in a couple yrs. going to college getting a job etc. have begun to start making my own plans.
when we do that, we are basically slapping God in the face.
in the book of james it says not to boast of what we will do tomorrow, but rather to say if the Lord wills.
God is in control.
He gives.
he takes away.
as He sees fit He does.
period.
end of story.
God is in control.

our life is so short.
compared to a vapor.
gone in the blink of an eye.
am i gonna waste my one shot?
am i gonna spend my one shot at this thing called life slapping God in the face acting like i know better like tomorrow is some sort of guarantee?
am i gonna waste my one and only opportunity at life?

he talks of what a wasted life is.
one lived for self.
about self.
about stuff.

i don’t want to waste my life.
what now?
what is a life not wasted?
pretty simple answer actually.
a life lived with God as your number one treasure as he puts it.
when you are entirely consumed with living the way He was called you to live.
when your life makes God look big and awesome.
when your life reflects who God is and how worthy and awesome He is.
“to display the supreme value of Jesus”-john piper
when everything. everything.
absolutely everything is second to God.
when you gladly suffer for HIm.
when you are completely satisfied in HIm no matter what the situation because all you want is to know Him and be closer to Him.

personally.
i want to live a life consumed with God.
a life not wasted.
but i don’t know that i am.
as i was making my collage, i was reminded of the many many times i have been materialistic.
times i have put my imac, ipod, wanting new clothes, wanting to be a better basketball player before Christ.
i have wasted so much time of my life desiring “stuff.”
i spent close to 2 yrs of off and on wanting my imac so much, that it seemed to never leave my mind.
i spent more time thinking of ways to save more money than on my Savior.

a little while after listening to the message i went online and checked engadget as i often do.
first thing i see.
ipod touch now available.
my thought sequence at the time.
i want one so bad.
wow. that was a materialistic thought.
whoa i just listened to a message not more than 5 minutes ago on not wasting my life on things of this world.

i see this as a test that if i not careful i could allow to become a temptation.
if technology and stuff that although can be used for good becomes my focus and number one desire.

now do i still want one.
yeah.
do i want one as bad as before.
not really.
it just stuff.
stuff isn’t coming with me after i die.
Jesus is way more valuable than stuff.

sorry for my randomness.
could have been much better written and the thoughts could have been much better organized i’m sure.
sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors that may bother you
i know i’m leaving out so much.
i know i’m barely scratching the surface.
but i really needed to just write this as much as anything else.

thanks for your time, hopefully it wasn’t time wasted.
if so i apologize.

“this aint my american dream….maybe i’ve been caught singing red, white, blue, and green.”

below is the message.

[audio:dwyl.mp3]

if you want the file let me know and i’ll get that to you.
–
live love.

how many times do we attempt to grow in the wrong way?

we try and grow in a systematic compartmentalized way.
today i’m gonna grow in love.
when i get that down, i’ll work on honesty. tomorrow humility.
we compartmentalize our very life and being into little boxes.
we think that once we arrive at or complete a box we can then move on to the next box.

we try and grow and like a building.
we complete the foundation, then the first story, then we advance to the next, and so on.
then we work on the details, like paint color, where outlets go, etc.

but no. thats not how it works.
thats not how we were meant to grow.
we are to be growing in every area of our life simultaneously.
sure maybe we grow faster in one area than another, but still there is growth. however small it may be.

grow the way we were intended to grow.
more like a tree.
roots growing every which way.
some branches longer than others.
some thicker, some thinner.
but they all grow together, and they grow every which way.
but the tree is growing as a whole none the less.
why don’t we every day grow more and more as a complete person?
why is it we only “grow” in little areas.
there is no blueprint or plan if you will.
God only knows how and which way and at what rate that tree is going to grow.

how often do we try and control our growth.
to orchestrate it.
to conduct it.
maybe we need to let go.
to lose control.
to no longer be the one deciding our growth.

man’s way is to grow like a building.
and that works for buildings and things of the such.
but i don’t know about you, but i’m not a building.

now i’m not a tree either.
but trees grow the way God wants them to grow.
the way He orchestrates them.
does it make sense for me to attempt to conduct my growth?
Jesus is right there wanting and desiring to grow me.

(i’m pretty sure Jesus has a much better idea of how i was meant to grow,
i mean since He created me and everything.)

seems backwards.
buildings grow in an organized systematic formula based way.
which seems all well and good.
and trees seem almost chaotic. wild. not systematic. not organized.
no apparent rhyme or reason to the way they spread their branches.
but then how many things in scripture seem backwards to man’s way of thinking.

whoever will lose their life, will save it.
the first shall be last.
blessed are the poor.

i think humanity has it backwards.

Lord, grow me the way you want me to grow.
don’t let me orchestrate my growth.
may you be the Great Orchestrator and Creator in my life that you are with nature and this world.
humble me.
break me.
grow me.
i’m sorry for living against Your intended way.

with you i am so prideful, and full of me.
but so and so brings me humbly to my knees.
he brings out the worst, and she the best.
so who am i really?

always changing, never consistent.
never the same, always different.
i’m so sick of living inconsistent.
i want to be real.
i want change for the best, not just the better.
no more faking. (no more faking)

kind today. so harsh tomorrow.
speaking lies, then claiming truth.
leaning, falling, i’m losing balance i never had.

always changing, never consistent.
never the same, always different.
i’m so sick of living inconsistent.
i want to be real.
i want change for the best, not just the better.
no more faking. (no more faking)

to be the same.
to achieve balance.
to reach perfection.
can it happen? can it happen?
“be ye perfect as i am perfect”
“ask and it shall be given unto you”

Lord change me.
make me…
to be real.
to truly believe.
to fully trust.
to consistently change for the best.
Lord this i pray.

’cause i’m
always changing, never consistent.
never the same, always different.
i’m so sick of living inconsistent.
i want to be real.
i want change for the best, not just the better.
no more faking. (no more faking)

[audio:trtestimonies.mp3]

(i don’t even update this site consistently)

humanity.
is so broken.
so rebellious against what we were originally created for.

yet i have been redeemed.
and yet i still live broken. rebellious.
i’m still being redeemed though.
there’s always hope.

Christ says to “be ye perfect, as i am perfect.”
almost seems like an impossible task.
to an extent it is. and yet we are told all things are possible.
i think i may never be fully redeemed. perfect. until i am in His presence.
or maybe, Christ desires us to be perfect now, but we don’t let Him.
He says if we ask He will give it to us.

c.s. lewis says this:
“that is why He (Jesus) warned people to ‘count the cost’ before becoming christians. ‘make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, i will make you perfect. the moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. nothing less, or other, than that. you have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. but if you do not push Me away, understand that i am going to see this job through. whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, i will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect – until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. this i can do and will do. but i will not do anything less.’ ”

maybe i am just pushing away.
maybe i need “inconceivable purification…after death”
maybe i try on my own, cause i don’t really believe He will change me.
maybe i don’t fully trust Him with my entire life.
maybe.
most likely.
almost definitely.

i don’t got this figured out.
i may never.
but that’s ok.
i was not meant to understand it all.
i apparently wasn’t even meant to understand a little bit.

“i want more than fine,
more than bent on getting by,
more than fine,
more than just ok.”
-switchfoot (more than fine)

vbs at my church just finished today.
last i heard 8 kids became followers of Christ.
nothing much more to add.
there are lots of pictures from belgium floating around facebook for you facebookers.

this is completely random, but is something i am excited about.
sometime in the next week, i should be receiving free of charge an almost completely working video camera. the camera does everything but record. but im excited cause now i will have a camera to use to drop video to my computer, and wont have to be borrowing one all the time and can just take the tape home.

i feel almost stupid writing this.
this isn’t me.
it’s not how i typically write.
but i have been told when you have writers block you just write anyway.
so that’s all this is.
hopefully my post get back to normal pretty soon here.
but for now this will have to suffice.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
-c.s. lewis (mere christianity)

love.
live love.

this is me about 2 minutes ago.
pray for us.
visit teamredemption.org.
i love you guys.

we will be having a somewhat live blog up and running while in europe.
check teamredemption.org to see what we are about, and what we are up too.

this will be my last post on here, till i come back, but Lord willing i will be posting stuff on teamredemption.org.

love to you all.
your prayers are greatly appreciated.

“Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthlyblessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for thesomething else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same.”

after reading the first 50 pages or so of “mere christianity” i thought of hi-lighting all the stuff or quotes as they are correctly called, that really stood out to me.
well i decided against it for one reason.
90 percent of the book would be hi-lighted.
so instead on occasion i put a little quote up here.
now there are tons and tons more i could put and it seems like after every chapter i have to stop and pretty mcuh reread it again or at leat sit and think for a while.
(which is probably why i have yet to finish it. but thats ok.)

this monday at 4 am, will begin the departure for belgium.
i’m stoked.
i’m nervous.
i’m not sure i’m completely ready.
i just hope we are able to make a positive impact,
and can be of service to the leavells.
your prayers are greatly appreciated.

(brittany would be upset at my usage of contractions, and lower case letters,
but i hope you don’t mind)

“A Christian society is not going to arrive until most of us really want it: and we are not going to want it until we become fully Christian. I may repeat ‘Do as you would be done by’ till I am black in the face, but I cannot really carry it out till I love my neighbor as myslef: and I cannot learn to love my neighbor as myself till I learn to love God: and I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him.” – c.s. lewis, “mere christianity”

live love.