i need to breathe You in
i need to breathe me out
inhale all of You
drink in Your spirit,
exhale mine all out
pour me out, please pour me out

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

it’s all got to go
it’s all coming out
it’s time to release
to let it all out
surrendering i am
and breathing me out

taking You in
You’re all i could need
You’re all i can breathe
You’re in total control
You never need an ok

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m learning this thing
about being ok
ok with Your choice
ok with Your voice
so i need You in me

i’m breathing by grace
enjoying Your face

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m breathing surrender
exhaling me out
i’m taking You in and sighing relief
breathing surrender is my sigh of relief
singing surrender to breathe Your relief
i’m breathing surrender
i’m singing relief
i’m breathing surrender

the sweet sweet exhale
sighing the breath of surrender

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

so here’s to a school yr. a life. a journey of living, loving, failing, falling, hurting, laughing, learning, repenting, crying, searching, discovering and getting back up every time i fall, repenting every time i sin, living when i just want it all to end, learning true satisfaction in my God, my Love.

its been a while since i have written. so i feel off. i need to get back into it. some how i need to keep this more up to date…or more hours in the day…that would work as well.

love to you.
live. love. learn. fail. fall. get back up. cry. laugh. repent. rejoice. be satisfied. glorify. exalt. the One.

i do a poor job of planning a set time to read.
part of me is very structured and needs order very much.
there are times the files on my computer must all be in proper folders etc.
then there are times my desktop is littered with random files.
i take a whole saturday to clean my room and throw away trash.
i take every and any way i can to make sure i don’t have to do dishes.

i am inconsistent.

i dislike math and equations and the necessity of the order of operations.
yet i enjoy the way a well written sentence is structured.
the careful choice of words, the precise positioning of adverbs and adjectives.
at times i do not appreciate the teaching or preaching of the Word.
yet i love when a conversation suddenly turns to the One and His truth.
i love the way of conversations. interruptions of questions and comments and musings.

i adore times of prayer.
prayer is probably my most consistent area.
when i am walking. sitting. thinking.
even shooting a basketball early in the morning by myself.
these are times when i am most comfortable.
times when i talk with my Savior.
it is not the prayer to open or close a church service.
it is me telling my God everything and anything.
asking why. asking how. asking for help.
crying. praising. thanking.
praying doesn’t have to be a certain time limit.
there are no times when i am not permitted to pray.
in fact we are told to pray without ceasing.

He is always listening.
my thoughts, before i know it have become a prayer.
what started as me contemplating the why’s of this life finds me standing in awe of the Creator and asking why He bothered with me.
why, when i treat Him as trash He still forgives me.
why, when i am more in love with myself He still loves me.

prayer is my escape of sorts.
it’s when i feel closest to God.
but also farthest.
it’s hard to be dishonest when the God who knows all is listening.
but it shows me for who i am. and that shows me to be far away.
yet my Savior embraces me and tells me it’s ok. says i forgive you.

i am in no way saying prayer is a substitute for reading your bible.
the times i have spent genuine time in the bible have been amazing.
it’s just that i have noticed for some reason i seem to thrive more in prayer.
i’m not sure if that’s wrong.
maybe i am even farther from God than i think because of that.
i’m sure i still do not pray as much as i should.
i know i need to be spending even more time with my Maker.
when i don’t read my bible i do feel like something is wrong and missing.
even the days i read just to read are better than the days where no reading occurs.
i am no where near having this figured out or together.
i fail daily. second by second i’m sure.

i just seem to connect more often through prayer and conversation. especially conversation with my Savior.
but i think my thinking that is often a downfall that leads me to think it’s ok to not read as often.
i know i need to be in the bible so much more.
it is easier for me to type this than to sit and read my bible sometimes.
maybe rather than write this now i should be reading.
i’m really not sure.
i got a lot to work on.
there is a lot i don’t know and even more i do not understand.
but i do know that when i am just talking with my God i am most at peace.
yet most at war.
most comfortable and at the same time most broken.
it’s weird. it’s refreshing.
it’s uplifting and humbling at the same time.
it doesn’t make any sense, but it is the only thing that even remotely makes sense.
but loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, losing your life to get it, dying to truly live, doesn’t seem to make sense either.
i really don’t get it all. but i think it’s ok. but i also think it’s not to a certain respect.

for as often as i tease “random” jenkins, i sure write randomly.
forgive me if i wasted your time.

God forgive me.
i go against everything You are.
i love You because You loved me first.
i’m sorry for loving me more.
fix me.
thanks for being God and in control.
–
live love.

i saw the endlessness of death.
in arlington cemetery there are tombs as far as one can see.
it never seems to end.
so many deaths for my freedom. your freedom.
so many have died so that you and i can have the freedom to say we don’t like war.
so we can say we don’t like this politician.
so we can complain about the government.
so we can criticize those dying for our freedom to say what they are doing is pointless.
if they never die, you and i never get to say any of those things.
never get to voice opinions.
to see the statue of iwo jima.
to realize what freedom costs.
to get an idea of how brave those men were.
how willing they were to serve their country and defend it.
to fight and die for the freedom of others.
to be so unselfish to put yourself in the most vulnerable of positions to raise our nations flag and raise up the call of freedom.
had a marine corps recruiter been standing by me while i was there at the iwo jima memorial i would have signed up without thinking twice about it.
it is such a moving thing to see.
the last two mornings of the trip, i got up and 5 in the morning and took a jog with pastor matt to see the memorial again.(also to help keep in shape, it was about a mile from our hotel. and we of course jogged back straight to a starbucks about a block away from the hotel before heading back to shower and get ready for the day) and every time i went back, it was just as moving and this part of me just wanted to join up then and there and serve and give something back.
after going to the holocaust museum i even more desired justice.
feelings of sorrow and sadness quickly changed to that of anger.
anger at injustice. at people being wronged.
a group of people being tortured and killed because of their race.
it made me so mad to read how those who had disabilities both physically or mentally would be killed for being “inferior.”
that people would dare see another human being as inferior.
the contrast from God made us all to be equal and free to killing everyone who was not white skinned, blond haired, and blue eyed is ridiculous.
the freedom to live was defended by our soldiers.

seeing so many military personnel around the city was inspiring.
seeing thousands of vietnam vets riding their bikes down he street.
seeing people lined up on both sides yelling thank yous and giving them high fives.
seeing the city embrace those who served and sacrificed and fought for them.
seeing the excitedness of both veterans and spectators.

almost everyone would say that of all people, those who have died for a cause as great of freedom and of defending our country would have died a worthy death.
would have lived a meaningful life.
yet some who died for such a great cause cold very possibly have wasted their life.
as great as the call of freedom is, the call of God is greater and greatest.
if someone can die for their country and still truly have wasted their life i begin to wonder if i am wasting my life.
am i living a life fully honoring and pleasing to my Savior and Maker.
unless i am, i am wasting my life.
that breaks me. that humbles me.

my thoughts are a bit random. a bit out of order.
i wish i could have written at the end of each day.
thoughts and feelings would have been more fresh, more precise, more meaningful.
i can’t even recall which day i went where.
all my days are blurred together into a feeling of 2 or 3 days and not the week i was there.
thanks for reading the ramblings of a 17 yr old kid still figuring stuff out and still learning. i never want to come across like i got it figured out. i am no one near that.
–
live love.
live doulos.

Jesus did not ever intend for us to live part time.
to be part time followers.
to be part time disciples.
we are either following Him or we aren’t.
everything we do is either glorifying God or going against God.
there is no in between. no middle ground.
He called us to excellence not failure and not mediocrity.
living ok. living alright. that doesn’t cut it.
i’m not saying we aren’t going to screw up.
what i’m saying is we will care when we do.
it will hurt. it will cause shame because we are so passionate about Him.
we can’t live as followers of Him unless we give it all to Him.
we can’t hold anything back.
we must abandon everything that this world has to offer us.
we can not be attached to stuff. to goals. to accomplishments.
what this world has to offer us is nothing compared to what God has planned.
what He has in store for us.
we sell God short.
we don’t trust Him.
we think He can’t top the world’s offers.
we think He calls us to a life of rules and “dos” and “donts”
we think wrong. very wrong.
who are we to say God doesn’t know what is best?
why do we think we know better?
why don’t we believe His word when He says ask and it shall be given to you?
why are we so attached to possessions and things that will not last into eternity?
why are we so afraid to let go?
to let go of everything we have and everything we are.
we are only willing to give God part.
we are willing to let a little bit go and probably only then minor things we are ok with losing.
Jesus when calling people to follow Him did not take them unless they just dropped everything on the spot and followed Him right then and there.
no making excuses. no let me do this first.
drop all and follow.
live with reckless obedience.
just obey. just do as He says and do it right and do it all out.
with reckless abandon.
holding nothing back.

i know i fail often.
i fail at living recklessly with abandon for my Savior and God.
i struggle. i love stuff too much.
i am too materialistic.
i am too self centered.
i live for convenience all too often, for pleasure, for me.
but it doesn’t work.
living that way doesn’t glorify my Maker.
living that way doesn’t magnify the cross.
living that way doesn’t show people hope.
when i live for self, i wonder how many people i am leading to hell.
how many people am i leading down a life without any hope.
how many people am i causing to fail.

God. Savior. Creator. Father.
i mess up. i love me too much too often.
i live by my will rather than Yours.
i pray that You would kill my will. that i would die to it.
that Your will would be my will.
that i would hold nothing back from You.
that all i am would be Yours and only Yours.
that my life would reflect Your beauty and the hope You offer.
may i live with reckless abandon.
may You be my everything.
may i never boast in me.
may i always boast in You and Your Son and Your cross and Your love.
i thank You for Your patience, mercy, love, and understanding.
i’m sorry for not living as You want me to live.
and i know sorry is not enough.
may it translate Lord to action, to a way of living, to You being made much of.

writing is comfortable. i enjoy it. it’s easy.
saying the same things i write in a conversation is not always so easy.

i am not saying i have never had an in depth conversation with someone face to face.
i am not saying i have not been real and transparent in a conversation.
i have.
and i know it is difficult.
i know there is a relatively small number people i have been extremely open and real with.
there are relatively few people who have seen me at a breaking point.
who have seen me break down and cry.

it is hard to put yourself out in a vulnerable position.
for me it is easy to be vulnerable through writing.
maybe it is close enough to being vulnerable in person, but i do not think so.
i think it is important to experience both.
i think God desires that we are always vulnerable and transparent.
not only with Him but with those whom He puts in our community.
Christianity isn’t all about being independent and strong and tough.
it is about being real and honest enough with ourselves to see who we really are in comparison with our Maker.
to understand we are fragile.
we are weak.
we are called to be dependent.
dependent on Him and then on others.
the moment we feel and think we are independent we tell God we do not need Him.
we slap Him in the face and say we are good enough. say we got it all together.
but let’s not kid ourselves.
we are nothing.
in job 41 God describes leviathan to job.
he tells job of how magnificent and how powerful it is.
how much fear it strikes in man.
then God tells job how much greater am I than leviathan.

we don’t like being real with people.
it hurts sometimes.
it is frightening. it is not comfortable.
but christianity was never about comfort and not being hurt.
rather the opposite.
Jesus tells us that it is gonna be difficult.
that some of us will die for Him.
that we will suffer.
there will be much risk.
we are told to die to self.
to love God so much that it looks like we hate our family.
take up your cross daily.

it is not easy. it was never intended to be easy.
so why do we lie to ourselves and choose the easy way out.
why can’t we accept the truth and meet the challenge head on.
yeah it is gonna be very hard and very painful and very difficult.
if we know that going into it, shouldn’t it make us more dependent on Christ.
won’t that teach us to be humble.
will we not draw closer to God out of the sheer fact that we need Him and rely Him on so much.
we are nothing. absolutely nothing without God.
so why do we live like we are.

let’s just be real.
let’s be honest with ourselves.
let’s look at truth.
let’s head into this having counted the costs.
let’s enter this like the battle that it is.
let’s depend on one another to keep us dependent on God.
let’s grow together through the pain.
let’s not be afraid of having our faults pointed out.
let’s not be afraid of what other people will think.
let’s learn to live the way we were intended and created to.
dependent on God.
fragile.
real.
open.
truthfully.
in love.
loving God.
showing that love by loving each other.
by being willing to put ourselves out there and possibly be hurt.

it is not easy. so let’s not pretend like it.
i got a lot to work on. a lot room to grow.
we will never arrive. we will never reach a point having it down and all together.
so let’s be passionate about always moving forward. always moving closer to God.
closer to the way we were made to be.

let’s live. and love. and live love.
let’s live Christ out.