live love. » blog

i’m lame.

tim — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:55:49 +0000

it has been a long long time since i have last written and posted anything.
i am the perfect example of inconsistency…not a good thing…
well here is a quick update as to what i have been up to

2 fridays ago, june 12, 2009 i graduated high school.
very surreal. still not sure what is going on exactly.

just a couple days ago, last friday, i had my new student orientation at cal state fullerton.
pretty long. alot of it pointless. but i did get my schedule made and got my student id card.
its starting to seem a little bit more real that i am actually going to be going to college.

my summer thus far has been busy. all one week of summer.
this next week may be slowing down a little bit for me, but at the same time who knows.
i am looking for a job.
i am also now working on a website for a guy so i should make a little bit off of that, but it will also be a lot of work, i haven’t touched web stuff in a little bit, got some relearning to do, should be fun though.

this post is horrible.
i have 3 books i want to finish/read.

maybe i’ll start posting my often again…i think i have said that before…
i need to write again. i miss it. i need it.

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

learning to worship

tim — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 03:38:00 +0000

i have to confess
i made a mess, i messed it all up
all Your intentions and ways
You made me to worship, You made me to praise
and worship i do, but not unto You
i adore myself, i love myself, i lift up my own banner of praise
i’ve got it all wrong, i’ve gone far too long
backwards and twisted, much have i twisted
what was intended for You and made about me
i said the words, i sang the tune
i read the lines, i closed my eyes
but i was at odds with another
i didn’t do it for You
i know what i do has nothing to do with who You are
i know what i say doesn’t change the Truth You are
i know my lip service doesn’t make You more You
but i try to pretend like it’s all for You
i fell into the trap, the rhythm and routine
i thought i was for real
i thought i was genuine
i thought i could worship
i thought i often did
but now i wonder
if ever i did
did my tune, the words, the songs please You
or were they empty and meaningless
did i abuse Your mercy and grace
did i slap you in the face
did i so boldly claim to worship Your name, and have it all be done in such vain
i fall short
i fall down
i repent
i beg forgiveness
by You mercy and grace and the light of Your face
by You alone
Your grace and mercy
i seek to worship
i want to worship You
only You

53 days…

tim — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:25:09 +0000

today james hacked my site to make it easier to have the picture for each post instead of using stupid excerpts.
he’s getting quite proficient at the hacking and tweaking of wordpress sites.
as i have often found myself and i mentioned in my last blog i haven’t blogged in a while.
this morning in sunday school, pastor matt again emphasized the usefulness of journaling.
i have always agreed and viewed blogging as my form of journaling.
but i have let it slip. i haven’t remained constant.
i have decided i need to actually journal journal. like daily or close to it.
i do like the idea of having a physical journal. i have a physical sketch book that often has doubled as a journal.
and i recently got my girlfriend a journal/sketchbook for us to go back and forth with.
i enjoy physically writing or drawing with pen or pencil. but i find it more likely that i will be more consistent typing on the computer which i use on a daily basis.
so i have purchased some journaling software.
in fact i’m using it right now. it has many features that i anticipate to be extremely useful and functional.
it also has a feature where i can turn my entry directly into a blog post on my site with a few clicks.
not all my entries will turn into blog posts.
this one happens to be one that will.
many posts will probably be variations of entries, or combinations.
but more and more as i see my life getting busier and gaining more responsibility just from being older even i see more and more the need for me to stay grounded. to stay consistent.
it’s too easy to get busy one day, forget to read your Bible, then let that occur a couple days later, then next thing you know it’s been 2 weeks and i’ve read my Bible twice for 30 seconds other than what is read in church or Bible class.
i find that pattern happening way too often. i am more than aware of it. yet i still struggle.
a huge fear of mine is my very near future.
in 53 days i will be graduating high school. (Lord willing)
i will then be attending CSUF. (cal state fullerton)
a huge public state university.
i have only attended private christian school to this point. the same one in fact since kindergarten.
and i have loved every year, every moment of it.
i have learned so much. i have learned so much about life, and living, and truth, and Christ.
i have existed in an environment that sincerely cared about well being and sought to protect and guide and grow me in every way possible.
i am about to enter a much different environment after june 12.
one that for the vast majority is anti absolute truth. anti God.
i’m scared to death.
i’m excited to see what God can teach me.
i feel well prepared. yet not prepared at all.
i am reminded of how important good friends and mentors are.
and i know i have a large resource of them to reach out to.
i know i can always go to my dad, my mom, my pastors, my friends. my God.
so i pray that this 35 dollar investment in some software will help organize me.
God, do what you want with me.
take my everything. teach me to trust you completely.
i know if i truly and legitimately and whole heartedly trusted and believed everything your Word teaches and says i would be so different. i would sin so much less. i would glorify you so much more.
forgive me. keep on changing me. teach me. break me.
your grace and mercy leaves me in awe.
i can’t thank You enough.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

webmaster james

tim — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 01:33:19 +0000

it has been 35 days since i last posted a blog.

i am a horrible person, i know. my webmaster keeps reminding me just how horrible i am.

what? webmaster you say?

yes, i have a webmaster to manage the massive influx of hits and other such web statistic terms and phrases that this site takes in on a second by second basis. along with the ever increasing frequency with which i have been posting…

all joking and satire aside i would like to thank james from unlinked media for acting as the webmaster for this site and keeping it up to date with code and cyphers and other such things as well as making sure the site is operating on an ample supply of pixie dust.

currently he is working on tweaking the code of this theme to make it easier to use from the back end which who knows may cause me to be more consistent in my blogging. like anything, i need to plan time to blog just as i would plan time to do other things. but perhaps that is for another blog all together.

until next time…which will be in either more than, less than or exactly 35 days…

–

live love.

breathe surrender.

with reckless abandon.

hold nothing back.

out of rhythm

tim — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:03:23 +0000

God. my Creator. my Maker. all powerful.
me. human. created. not powerful at all.
it only makes sense to worship the Creator. the Maker.
but i find myself worshipping myself more than i do the One who even granted me the privilege and ability to worship or breathe at all.
but i find myself worshipping things, stuff, other relationships and food more.
Jesus says in the book of matthew that no one can serve two masters. He says that you will love one of them and hate the other.
there is no middle ground.
there is no in between.
it is either one or the other.
but i try anyway.
i try to serve my Master and Savior, the Creator of all things.
but i try to love myself and anything and everything just as much.
it doesn’t work.
it is wrong.
it makes no sense.
i can’t truly love God when i love me more.
i can’t truly say i love my Maker when i choose some thing or someone over His way.
can i say i love God and His truth if i check facebook more often than i read His Word? His very Word. His way and choice of communication with his creation and yet i’d rather twitter what i am doing at the moment.
my perspective. my priorities are out whack. out of sync.
i’m out of rhythm.
i’m not in the right flow.

Lord, i try to do exactly what You say is not possible.
i try to have it both ways. and that means i have chosen my way over Your way.
break me. again. and again. and again.
God do not let me wander from You.
i beg You to hold me close and to draw me near to You.
grab me and move me and do with me whatever You deem necessary.
don’t let me be so consumed with stuff.
don’t let me fall into the trap of thinking i deserve anything good i have.
don’t let me think this computer is mine.
God. Lord. empty me of me.
and when i start let me back i, and when i start fill back up with things other than You, empty me again.
God i can’t do it. i am too weak. i am too human.
i need You to take complete and total control.
Lord, Master, i am in awe and complete amazement of Your grace and mercy and love.
i am prone to wander, Lord i feel it.
wrap my soul and heart and being in Your chains.
may i live as doulos to You.
may i live love.
may i breathe surrender.
may i do so with reckless abandon.
may i hold nothing back.
may You have access to all that i am.

my story…

tim — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 05:48:06 +0000

so let’s start from the beginning.
january 5, 1991 is the day that i left my mothers womb and joined you all on this spinning sphere we call the earth.
fast forward 7 years.
christian family. went to church every sunday. listened to billy graham on the way to church every sunday morning. one of those mornings i was actually paying attention to what he had to say. i had the story of how to be saved a number of times. a sunday school teacher about a year before had even tried to make me pray a prayer of salvation. i somehow recall not particularly being fond of this lady and wanted nothing to do with here…i think i started crying and ran away but i could be wrong…anyways that morning what i head on the radio struck a chord. i knew i did bad things, we call it sin. i knew it and had no problem admitting that and the rest of the story sounded good to me, believe Jesus died for you, tell Him you are a sinner and want his free gift and you get to go to heaven and not hell. at the end of every billy graham radio program a song would be sung and the song “every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.” whether you believe that or not it is the truth one day we will each bow and confess Him as Lord. the story of Jesus and the cross and this idea of a free gift ran through my mind the rest of the morning. and then that morning the pastor talked about salvation as well. somewhere in the middle of his message i remember clearly thinking i need to be saved, i need to be forgiven, i need Jesus to save me. i heavily contemplated praying right then and there with my eyes open in the middle of his sermon but i thought that would be rude and disrespectful, so i didn’t at that time…being the little kid that i was as soon as the service was over i got lost in playing with my friends and food and what have you…but that evening i couldn’t fall asleep and couldn’t stop thinking about being in hell forever so in my bed i cried, literally and cried out to be rescued. i told Jesus i was a sinner that i wanted him to be my Savior and that i believed He died for me. i prayed almost the same thing at least 5 times in a row i just kept saying it over and over again, Jesus i know i’m bad i want You to save me. the memory is fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday. fast forward to 5th and 6th grade. i was quite the bad little boy, but played a very good boy for most to see. i hung out with the wrong friends no doubt and was influenced heavily by them. from cussing, to dirty jokes, to just being mean and disrespectful i lived a life in complete contrast to that of truth. i was convicted of my actions on a daily basis, after every word, thought, or joke i often remember thinking why tim why. you know its wrong why are you doing it anyway. but i chose my “friends” over God and His way 6 days of the week. it wasn’t until one day one of my friends told me you have changed alot, i remember when you were all good and now you are just like us …i couldn’t deny it..it was true..i had no response. that statement haunted me.
it wasn’t until my friends left the school that i started to see some real growth in the right direction.
now the rest of my life up until this point seems like a whole different chapter in the respect that i can’t really break it down into a year by year experience, but rather i feel it almost as the beginning of my current stage in this journey of life. and much of this current stage began when i first starting blogging and can be seen over time through my posts.

i typed all that 2 days ago, and have been struggling to figure out how to conclude my story. but my story isn’t over yet. it feels more like it i just beginning. entering the “real” world soon after high school seems like starting all over from scratch.
and every day seems like a whole new start.
every day when i go to sleep at night and think of how much i have wasted.
of how little i was interested in God that day. or how today i seemed more in love with God than before and wonder why.
every message i hear screams the same thing to me.
He’s trying to teach me and so i often i acknowledge His truth but am either too lazy or too selfish to do anything about it.
be consumed with Me.
be drenched in my words i have given to you.
pray to Me. talk with Me.
follow Me intensely. with passion and desire.
be filled with Me.
enjoy Me.
be satisfied in Me.
yet here i am allowing myself to be consumed with basketball.
to be satisfied with television.
to not be intense and passionate about anything to the extent Christ is demanding.
instead i live a life of inconsistency.
one moment i am determined. i am sold out on being all about my Maker.
but apparently i really am not since moments later i will choose something meaningless over the God that made me and saved me.
its frustrating to know that i can somehow not be in awe of Him at all times.
i mean let’s think about this.
He made everything. every single thing. from nothing.
as if that were not enough, He bothered to love us and buy us back after we left Him.
i don’t know. it makes no sense to me. how i can not just follow His instructions.
let’s take this a step further. He not only wants to redeem us, He wants life to be enjoyed in Him. He wants what is best for us. He didn’t just die for us and say well there you go good luck with the rest of your life i gave you a ticket to heaven see ya when you die.
no, He wants to be involved and have a relationship with me.
my mind is blown.
my heart is bleeding guilt.
my soul is confused.
everything about me wonders why i can’t just do what makes sense.
why don’t i just live drenched and addicted to my Savior.
why i don’t live what i type at the end of every post.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

2009-2-8

tim — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:21:20 +0000

i haven’t blogged since last year. and i say that quite literally.
cheesy i know. bear with me here.
i haven’t blogged not because lack of content but lack of time and discipline to make myself do it.

tonight at church we had a testimony time and as one by one people stood and told their stories of being redeemed and their stories of how God has miraculously taken care of them i noticed the striking similarities yet vast contrast between each story.
so many stories of coming to the same realization.
so many stories of the same truth.
yet different stories all the same.
i realized i have never really typed my story out.
i have typed out portions, yes, and through my post over the years one could piece together parts of my story.
but seeing as just about a month ago i turned 18 i think i will attempt to tell my story in my next blog. but for now a brief update on my current life’s happenings.

a couple weeks ago i got my permit…again…it had expired…
my license test is scheduled for february 23rd bright and early at 8:20 in the am.
we made the playoffs finally!!!
this year our basketball team has clinched a playoff spot for the first time in my high school career. this is also the best record we’ve had since i have been on the team.
i’m stoked beyond words.
as of now i am leaning heavily towards attending cal state fullerton after highschool but i am still yet to here back from the uc’s i applied at.
now back to working on my story. should be up within the next day i am hoping, i’m doing too many other things while trying to write it. the one downside to dual screens is being able to try and view too many things at once.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

new years eve

tim — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:53:46 +0000

well.
the year of 2008 is about over.
i haven’t posted in a while.
partially due to basketball season having started, partially due to me being lazy, and partially due to me having a hard time to put things into words.
i feel like i have learned and grown alot this past yr.
but at the same time i feel like i have just continued to be inconsistent.
i still waste too much of my life.
i still treat my God like feces way too often, then turn around and say i love Him.
i know these struggles will never go away. and i know its a constant process of growing and becoming holy, but still i hate how i so often live.
i really don’t know how else to say it other than quoting paul when he says the things i want to do i don’t do and the things i don’t want to do those are the things i do.
and not to put paul on a pedestal or anything but he was pretty good at this christianity thing.
as discouraged as i get and as often as it seems like i will never live one moment correctly for my Maker it’s nice to know paul wasn’t perfect and still had flaws. it’s nice to know that david, who is described as a man after God’s own heart committed some of the most atrocious sins possible.
i’m not making excuses.
i’m not trying to create a cop out.
i’m attempting to view things realistically.
i’m trying to look at life through the lens of absolute truth.
so 2008 is gone.
it amazes me how people make such a big deal about the new year.
what makes today, tonight, and tomorrow morning so special.
woo hoo it’s a new year?
nothing feels different.
feels like any other day to me at least.
and i still have to continue my current year of school even though it is a new calendar year. maybe that is what bothers me the most about it.
maybe i’m just being a pessimist.
i have no problem with celebrating the new upcoming year, i just think we go a bit overboard sometimes. but at the exact same time i would love to be in new york city, standing in time square when the ball drops tonight. to experience all the energy and excitement.
call me a hypocrite. cause i am.
i don’t want to be. but i’m not going to lie to myself and say i’m not either.
i still will end up staying up till midnight.
i will still tell people happy new year im sure.
but i just gotta wonder in the grand scheme of things is it really that big of a deal.
why don’t we celebrate each new day as we do each new year?
we are not even promised the next second let alone the next day.
but hey let’s celebrate the possibility of a new 365 days, and the 365 we just finished up and will never get back.
i suppose the whole idea of celebrating a new year, or blogging about it as i am now does serve some purpose.
if it causes one to evaluate the life and year they have already lived.
i can see good in that.
if it causes one to wonder about how much time and how much life he has already wasted and thrown away.
i can see good in that.
i’ve wasted far too much already.
but i should be evaluating that every moment not once a year.
i’ve rambled enough.
i don’t always make sense.
this will be my last post for the year 2008.
but hey have a happy new year.
try not to waste the time you are given. it is not easy in the least.
i wish i could say its easy look at me i’ve done it. but that is far from the truth.
i’m the biggest waster of life and time there is.
and yet God redeems.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

clean room. 2008-12-13

tim — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:32:04 +0000

i cleaned my room today.
it was not necessarily overly messy per se.
but it was quite cluttered.
i had papers everywhere.
its funny how things start off clean and gradually become a huge mess.
i found an invitation to my friends graduation from june…just as an example of time compounding the problem.
at the moment everything has a place. and everything is in that place.
(now i’m sure it could yet be much cleaner but hey it’s pretty decent right now.)
but i am almost sure that i a week or two it will be on the border of disaster again.
papers from school or colleges.
sweatshirts and jerseys.
ipod and phone.
water and gatorade bottles.
you name it, it will be spread somewhere within my already crowded room.
i hate to sound or go all over spiritualizing a clean room.
but its easy to let our life get cluttered.
i let other things take priority and before you know it i haven’t read my bible in a week. or i haven’t had the same consistent deep prayer life i know i need and so often crave.
just a thought.
i have pics up on facebook.
working on getting them up here but technical difficulties are intervening at the moment.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

wish list of ‘08

tim — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:03:57 +0000

i feel a bit selfish making a christmas list, but the other day my mother asked me what i wanted and then i laughed…i have expensive tastes…well here it is, my christmas wish list of sorts…

muchos dineros:

01. red scarlet

+ lenses, battery, monitor system, etc.

02. canon 5d mark II

+ lenses, extra length battery, etc.

03. 15″ 2.53 GHz macbook pro with 4 gigs of ram

+ carrying case, sleeve, bag, etc.

menos dineros:

04. 20 inch lcd display (so i can run dual monitors again)
05. 500 gig external hard drive (preferably a western digital or another good brand)
06. american eagle gift cards
07. itunes gift cards
08. my fat bird t-shirt (size small, organic made in usa)

no dineros:

09. get accepted into any or all of the following: UCI, UCSD, CSUF. Chapman.
10. make cif playoffs

i think that’s about it.
i am continually reminded of how blessed i am.
of how much stuff i am privileged with.
the fact that everything i have is a God given gift.
everything we are allowed is only by the vast mercy of Christ.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

24:forget the trees. save the children.

tim — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:25:37 +0000

i had an interesting way of wrapping up my thanksgiving day.
watching the 2 hr. prequel to the upcoming season of 24.

(this part has nothing to do with my reason for posting this, but i have been a fan of 24 for a long time and last season was ridiculous and just not good. this prequel though was beyond superb in my mind. this upcoming season looks to be very very good again.)

back to the point.
in this prequel they are in africa and showing the civil war and how children are being kidnapped and brainwashed and turned into soldiers.
it got me thinking of how sad that is.
how broken our world is.
how screwed up it is.
then i began to think of some of the different groups out there like invisible children who try and bring awareness to these situations.

i was talking to my friend bryant about the show and about what’s going on there in africa and i remember he had done a project that involved talking a little bit about different organizations that desire to help the kids there and he went on to say there are lots of organizations out there helping them but even more to save trees.
i was taken back for a second and was just contemplating how true that is.
the news and media seems to spend so much more time talking about the environment than the lives of people.
i understand that we can’t magically fix everything and as much as we would love to help all the starving kids in africa we just can’t.
but the fact still bothers me that people in such a blessed country spend more time worrying about stupid trees than the lives of human beings.

what then becomes even more convicting to me is how often i complain.
i complain about so many stupid things.
i was having a conversation with my friend tracy about complaining and how rich we are compared to them and she said there are millions of kids would kill to be in our shoes here in america. to which i replied or even to just have shoes….even cheap shoes we would never think to buy for whatever reason.

i have so much.
and so much of this world has so little.
even more than the physical i have been blessed to have been told about my Savior.

my thoughts are scattered. incomplete.
my head is racing with too many thoughts.
i can’t comprehend it all at one time.
hopefully jotting down these few, brief thoughts weren’t a waste of time.

this world is definitely broken. evil. screwed up.
but we are called as Christians to be salt and light.
it makes me wonder how good of a job we are doing.
the name of the prequel was fittingly titled redemption.
God offers true redemption.

thanks Father.
i don’t know what else to say but thank You.
thank You for Your redemption.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

100 things to do…

tim — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 04:47:41 +0000

in no particular order, 100 random things i would like to do or have happen before i die….

001. bic my head
002. get carvings on my head
003. write a children’s book (and have it published)
004. burn coal
005. get married
006. sky dive
007. bungee jump
008. get my drivers license
009. go on the amazing race or the mole
010. get buff
011. become king of america
012. start my own company
013. graduate college….maybe…
014. go at least 3 days without speaking
015. eat at least 2 4×4’s in one sitting
016. kill a cow
017. eat that cow
018. go to south africa
019. live in new york city for at least 6 months
020. learn to drive stick
021. write a song/poem that gets published
022. drive a race car at least 200 mph
023. hang glide
024. discover a number and name it the wright number…pun intended…
025. fly on air force one
026. write an article for a big newspaper
027. drive the tumbler from batman
028. wrestle a bear…and win…
029. direct a full length movie
030. film a full length movie
031. edit a full length movie
032. get an iphone
033. have my face be on the first page of a google search
034. compete in the olympics
035. blow something up…like a semi or something…
036. snowboard
037. break down a door with my shoulder
038. shoot an rpg
039. break the internet
040. work at apple
041. throw a pc off the top of a tall building
042. light a pc on fire then throw it off the top of a tall building
043. own a chipmunk
044. fly an airplane
045. play in the pavilion (ucla)
046. play in a cif playoff game
047. defy gravity
048. go to a ncaa final four championship game
049. sit in the student section for a college basketball game
050. go to a nba championship game
051. drive on the autobahn
052. always be in basketball playing shape
053. still be able to hang in pick up games at the park past the age of 45
054. go to israel
055. sell a design for a lot of money
056. sell a photograph for a lot of money
057. get paid to edit a video
058. own a canon 5d mark II
059. own a red camera
060. own a mac pro, a macbook pro, and 2 cinema displays..make that 4….
061. get a coffee from every starbucks in seatle
062. get cancer and beat it, then beat it again for good measure
063. create a pill that gets rid of acne forever
064. be in times square for new years
065. design my own house and build it
066. catch a bunch of fire flies, at least 27, and put them in a jar
067. not wear a tux or suit in my wedding
068. forever get rid of the fonts comic sans, and papyrus i want to physically destroy them forever
069. watch a full season of 24 in 24 hours stopping only to go the bathroom
070. finish a newspaper crossword without using the internet….
071. be a part of an improv everywhere
072. make a video that gets on youtube’s featured video list
073. get a million views on a video
074. get 300 hits on my website in one day that aren’t all me
075. have a post from my site get on the front page of digg
076. throw a big rock at a glass house
077. pay over 100 bucks for a steak and have it be the best steak ever
078. weigh a 170 pounds and not be fat
079. make a documentary film that truly affects change in people’s lives
080. be able to say i have completely read every book i own…well…at least come close…
081. write a review for a restaurant and get paid for it, also have them pay for my meal
082. start a trend
083. study abroad for a semester of college
084. hit a buzzer beater game winning shot
085. fill up at least half of my passport
086. get a block where i pin it on the backboard
087. throw a legit alley-oop
088. jab stab right. dribble left. left hand dunk middle of the lane with authority over 2 guys.
089. have my hair cut with a blow torch
090. learn to draw well
091. bowl an almost perfect game
092. get a triple double
093. write a million dollar check to my church or a missionary
094. blow a bubble with gum
095. go to cupertino
096. have canon send me prototypes of their cameras before they are released
097. live love
098. breathe surrender
099. with reckless abandon
100. hold nothing back

7 of 7. still figuring it out…

tim — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:07:47 +0000

day 7.
i finished my task.
the consistency was difficult not going to lie.
blogging daily though helped me to definitely keep before me areas of my life in which i struggle. which quite honestly is pretty much every area of my life.
i so often fail.
but so often i seem to ignore it.
i feel bad for a short time but allow myself to forget and get caught back up in the race that is life in orange county.
by blogging it forces me to slow down to a certain extent.
i have to take the time to think and form thoughts into sentences.
i have to dwell and think longer on my mistakes and down falls than perhaps i would typically do.
part of me wants to just keep blogging everyday, but i don’t see that happening.
i don’t think the few of you who read this blog would want to be reading a new post everyday anyway or even have the time to do so.
but i most definitely need to blog more often.
either shorter more frequent like weekly blogs.
or perhaps longer monthly or bimonthly blogs.
i don’t know yet.
but i should probably figure something out.
i should also capitalize my uc app essay and get in proof read one final time.
on the bright and lighter side.
i love our new basketball shoes and uniforms.
coolest looking ones we have hand since i have been playing at least.
it’s bitter sweet knowing this is my last year.
hopefully i don’t waste it along with the rest of my life.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

6 of 7…sick of the disease…

tim — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:23:20 +0000

i’m sick, sick
sick of the disease
the disease of being born
born into this dying race
i thought You came to heal
to bring me back to life
but why do i fail
why do i break
why do i still get sick
i called Your name
i screamed in pain
but i sill get hurt
i still feel sick
my mind is confused
things don’t go like i think they should
i want my way to be Your way
but You heal as You so choose
Your redemption is beyond comprehension
Your way is definitely not my own
break my way, my way of thinking
thinking i know how You should operate
i know i am redeemed
i know i’ve been bought
i know You control
even though
i give in still
i let my flesh take control
i willingly turn my face
and breathe in the disease
and act like the rest
this broken dying
flesh of the human race
and yet Lord
You will show Your ace
Your glory will be known
even though
i oft show my own filthy face
it’s all by Your forever beautiful grace
and Your forever glorious face
that good can be done
to this messed up human race
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

5 of 7…

tim — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 07:58:35 +0000

day 5

i almost really really forgot to blog today.
but aaron kept me accountable and just reminded me.
today was a busy day.
9am-noon was spent playing basketball in the nasty hot wind.
noon-1pm consisted of showering, dropping video, and prepping a camera for wintercasualwonderland.(wcw)
1:30 pm went to bethel, set up tech and such things for wcw.
3:00pm wcw began. games and the such in the auditorium then food.
whatever time it was we got the ice rink and i took pictures.
i took 668 pictures. alot not very good. but quantity will sometimes produce quality.
then the last ten minutes i went ahead and iceskated even though the fear of falling and then having someone skate over my hand resulting in lost phalanges was greatly in my mind.
8:20ish pm higgins came over to give me guidance for his video project.
i am almost done with it now. just need to add some music and a couple finishing touches.
barely gonna get this one.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

4 of 7…

tim — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:37:25 +0000

day 4

i almost forgot about the whole trying to blog for a week straight thing today…
fortunately i had the word blog written and circled on a piece of paper on my ever cluttered desk that managed to see light and make eye contact with me.

i used to use post it notes, which i loved, but i ran out so i have turned to just using whole pieces of blank white paper. i have often been criticized for being a waster of paper. i say we probably have too many trees so i might as well. burn more coal. i don’t buy any of this green eco friendly stuff. i believe in using our resources wisely yes, but not to the extent that we don’t use them. anyways rather than rant and rave about the environment i shall continue on.

let’s see.
tomorrow looks to be busy.
9am play some ball down at bethel.
after that drop some video and get started on a video my buddy’s class project.
about 2 o clock i need to get over to bethel again to set up some stuff for winter casual wonderland. that will begin at 3 and be done about 7 30.
when i get home it will be time for me to most likely build a keynote for sunday school then hammer out that video project.
busy but should be fun.

with that i would like to let you know that has become extremely windy outside.
also i think i am going to go take a shower.
in warm. then towel dry and possibly lightly lotion.
also, lifting weights today made me feel huge even though i am not.
it’s a good feeling. i need to lift more often and more consistently.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

3 of 7…

tim — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:15:30 +0000

day 3.

i have come to realize i am very judgmental.
i judge people all the time.
often without even thinking about it.
before i know it i am thinking critical or negative thoughts about a person.
i do this with people i know and even with complete strangers i see at a store.
i have no right to judge.
i am too messed of a human being to judge even the worst of humanity.
only God has the right to judge.

Father, forgive me for judging.
forgive me for even thinking that i am in some way better or above another one of your creation. creation that You made in Your very image. forgive me for judging something that You called good.
may i learn to be judged.
may i learn to be teachable.
may i learn to be reproved.
may i live for You and Your cause.
may i love for You and Your cause.
may i not waste my life.
may You be exalted in what i do and how i live.
may i daily on a minute by minute basis breathe surrender.
thanks Lord for being patient and forgiving.
thanks Lord for even knowing my name.
i love You because You first loved me.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

2 of 7…

tim — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 06:32:55 +0000

day 2.

e. lock gave us this quote tonight and it got me thinking and writing on the back of a tithing envelope.

“a man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell. ”
c.s lewis

the quote isn’t complicated. yet extremely deep.
it’s simple. yet profound.

it is impossible for me to do anything to increase or decrease God’s glory.
there is nothing i can do to change God in any way shape or form.
my worship or lack of worship does not change God.
whether i choose to breathe surrender every day or not does not change the fact that God will be glorified. He will be.
although nothing i do actually changes Him or His plan, He has allowed for us to take part. He has allowed us the privilege of being instruments in His plan. He has given us the opportunity to worship Him and take part in glorifying Him. the bible says even the rocks cry out, whether we do or not God will be praised but He has allowed us the joy and privilege of doing so.

there is something amazing and rewarding in the fact that God lets us a be a part of His plan of redemption. this is probably a poor analogy but it is what first came to my mind. it is like being a fan at a basketball game. sure you yell, you cheer, you heckle, you boo the refs, whatever, but in the end you really have nothing to do with whether the team wins or loses. it comes down to the players on the court. (granted home crowd advantage can help swing momentum which is where this analogy breaks down.) but none the less as a fan you were a part of that victory or that loss. you were invested in the cause of the game. i think it is similar to God and redemption. He does all the work, all the redeeming, yet he allows us to be a part of it all. He chooses to use us in His cause.

when i think of how small i am. how miniscule. how insignificant i am i wonder why God bothers to use us. i can’t effect anything but i am offered the chance to be a part of something far greater than myself. unfortunately i do not take the offer often enough. sadly i choose to sit and watch rather than take part. God not only has given me the chance but desires that i be a part of His redemption and here i am saying no on multiple occasions. tell me that doesn’t make any sense. tell me i am out of my mind.

God, i’m crazy. i must be human.
Lord, i’m inconsistent. i try and serve two masters.
Creator, i’m a rebel against what You intended.
Savior, i’m forever in debt.

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

1 of 7…

tim — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 04:08:36 +0000

as far as i can tell it has been 21 days since my last post.
far too long for my own good.
blogging. writing. was meant to keep me on track. keep me focused.
but i have let myself just say i’ll do it soon, and soon never comes.
i’ve become the same way with many spiritual disciplines.
so here is another attempt at one week straight.
a blog post a day for 7 days in a row.
i’ve done it once before, though barely.

quite a bit i suppose has actually happened since the last time i posted a general update.
let’s start with school.
so far so good. senior yr. class of 09. graduating class of cinco.
the nice thing though about having such a small class is the unique relationship i have been able to build with each other senior over the last few years.
i really can say i wouldn’t want to graduate with any other group of people.
senior pictures is another plus to small school, small class.
i think i had more fun talking cameras with the photographer than actually taking the pictures but it was still fun. i love the color and composition of the shots. it just furthered my interest and dream to work in the world of art, photography and video.
as far as classes go…precal, ehh…physics, same thing…government is pretty chill, ap econ starts in december and should be interesting, english is same old same old, speech class is pretty much a breeze, and yearbook well hopefully the whole thing gets done, but even if doesn’t the few pages we do finish will look pretty good i think.

the other week i ran a mile and a half. more than i had run distance wise in about 7 months due to whatever was wrong with my shins. (thought they were shin splints but my volleyball coach doesn’t think so cause it was hurting in the wrong place)
i had been playing spring league and summer league for basketball and after tourney’s my shins would sometimes hurt so running the distance was a good test.
so far so good my shins didn’t hurt, so i think i’m going to give running to the gym for practice a shot when the time comes.

the application process for colleges i have decided is one of those necessary evils.
a pain but needed. i qualified for this elc student thing with the uc system which basically means they looked at my grades over the summer and said i’m on track for being accepted. in the last couple months i have gotten letters from ucsd, ucsb, and uc davis inviting me to apply, a post card from uc riverside saying i’m accepted and i just need to apply, and a letter just the other day from uci saying i am guaranteed admission to most majors and asking me to apply. so my plan thus far is to apply at ucsd and uci. with it looking like uci may very well be my choice of school. i still am planning to apply at chapman but it looks like i will miss the early application date and will have to apply for the january date. even if accepted there i’m leaning towards a uc because of how much cheaper it will be. a uc will be approximately 10 grand cheaper than chapman, granted chapman is still some what of a dream of mine, but i think chapman may be a good option for grad work or the such.

as an aside i let my permit expire right before school started…and didn’t have time to get it again at a time available for my parents to sign so….come january i’m (Lord willing) going to get my permit again as a 18 year old and shortly thereafter try and get my license.

well that turned out to be much longer than i originally envisioned and alot more random and scattered as well. forgive any spelling errors. i’m trying to get back into it.
pray that i post again tomorrow, and the day after till i have posted for 7 straight.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.

my fat bird

tim — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 05:18:25 +0000

i have put my fat bird on t-shirts now.

they can be ordered here: http://www.cafepress.com/myfatbird

–

live love.

breathing surrender

tim — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 20:45:32 +0000

i need the stomach punch
i need the wind knocked out
the wind of me, my pride, and i
hit me. punch me. break me down.

i need to breathe You in
i need to breathe me out
inhale all of You
drink in Your spirit,
exhale mine all out
pour me out, please pour me out

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

it’s all got to go
it’s all coming out
it’s time to release
to let it all out
surrendering i am
and breathing me out

taking You in
You’re all i could need
You’re all i can breathe
You’re in total control
You never need an ok

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m learning this thing
about being ok
ok with Your choice
ok with Your voice
so i need You in me

i’m breathing by grace
enjoying Your face

i’m letting go
i’m breathing out
i’m giving up
i’m breathing out
i surrender, i surrender
i’m breathing surrender

i’m breathing surrender
exhaling me out
i’m taking You in and sighing relief
breathing surrender is my sigh of relief
singing surrender to breathe Your relief
i’m breathing surrender
i’m singing relief
i’m breathing surrender

the sweet sweet exhale
sighing the breath of surrender

–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.

last first…

tim — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:59:53 +0000

fourth day of school ended today.
last wednesday was my last first day of high school.
276 days left till i graduate on june 12th at 7pm. (Lord willing i do graduate….)
my class schedule is much more full than i originally intended or thought.
after day one i gotta admit i wanted to say forget it already.
yea i know its day 1, i’m still in high school, i haven’t had anything yet.
but none the less that is how i felt. overwhelmed on day one of thoughts of period 0 after having an away game in temecula and getting home late and instead of showering and going to bed having to shower, do laundry for the game the next night, do ap econ and precal homework. (ok attempt to scribble something that looks like precal homework)
but God is good. too good.
pastor matt in chapel that first day talked about God’s mercies being brand new everyday. that put an end to my complaining right there.
(for the most part…im a wicked sinner and complainer yet…)
with God giving me the time of day to listen to my prayers and offer me fresh beginnings on a daily basis how can i let my joy in Him be stolen.
God is just too amazing and too good.
God intended life to have challenges.
He gives us new mercies daily and not on some monthly or annual plan so that we learn to trust Him. to rely on Him. to have to take life one day, one hour, one breath at a time by His very grace and mercy alone.
“i need Thee oh i need Thee, every hour i need Thee, i need Thee, i need Thee, i need Thee every hour…”
i can’t help but be in awe.
it inspires to me know that at the end of every day i look forward.
at the beginning of every day i look back.
and whether looking forward or backwards i see God as sovereign.
sovereign when i fail.
sovereign when He allows me to succeed.
sovereign when i completely throw a day down the drain.
sovereign when i live a moment completely to His glory.
consistent when i am not.
consistent when i am closer to Him.
consistent when i am running from Him.
consistent when i embrace everything He is.
consistent when i turn my face on His love.
sovereign. consistent. consistently sovereign.
i can’t count nor depend on me or anyone or anything else.
but i can undoubtedly depend on my Maker, Savior, and Lord.

so here’s to a school yr. a life. a journey of living, loving, failing, falling, hurting, laughing, learning, repenting, crying, searching, discovering and getting back up every time i fall, repenting every time i sin, living when i just want it all to end, learning true satisfaction in my God, my Love.

its been a while since i have written. so i feel off. i need to get back into it. some how i need to keep this more up to date…or more hours in the day…that would work as well.

love to you.
live. love. learn. fail. fall. get back up. cry. laugh. repent. rejoice. be satisfied. glorify. exalt. the One.

new york

tim — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:32:31 +0000

new york city was amazing.
i want to go back again some day.

the first day of the trip we went to where my dad grew up and was born in massachusetts and stayed the night in a hotel there. saturday we went to upstate new york to visit another place my dad grew up in and went to high school stayed there for the weekend and went to the church my dad used to go to that sunday. monday morning we drove to new jersey to visit my mom’s cousin and that night drove to the hotel in new jersey which was a few miles away from new york city.

tuesday through thursday we spent in the city.
there is just too much you can see or do and the days all kinda blur together at this point, but i’ll try and recap what i can remember in no particular order.

-first of course the glass cube apple store on fifth avenue. it was amazing! what more can i possibly say.
-central park: it is huge. we only walked through a very small portion of it, but my dad got to play some chess there which was cool for him
-ground zero: couldn’t really see much, it was fenced off and construction was occurring on the actual site but we did go to the tribute center
-trump tower: another huge building, granted most in ny city are, but we used the restrooms there.
-3 hour boat tour around manhattan island: offered a great skyline view of the city and of course the statue of liberty as well as the brooklyn bridge and the waterfalls that will be up till september i think
-time square: it is beyond huge. i thought it was maybe like one intersection or one block but it seemed to never end, taking up multiple blocks in every direction. amazing how big signs can get.
-empire state building: again it was pretty huge. we didn’t go up though due to an hr. and half wait.
-rockefeller center: technically this is about 19 buildings, but we went up to the observation deck of one of the buildings. from 67 stories up you get an amazing view and see how big new york city really is.

just walking around the city was an experience i won’t forget.
the stores are by far the biggest i have ever been in.
me and my brother went to every floor of the macy’s. all 9 and the the 2 basement floors.
the toys r us was so big it had a ferris wheel inside. yea it was crazy.

everything was bigger and busier and more crowded.
i thought the o.c. had a fast busy lifestyle, but compared to ny city we are slow.

i have pictures up. click on the photos page to view them.
(i didn’t post all the ones i took….i took 973 pictures…so yea…)

thank you jphan for letting me borrow your amazing camera and bryant for a bag to keep it safe.

forgive my lack of flow and rhythm. my randomness and horrific grammar, even for my taste. and i don’t follow the rules anyway. i’m tired. i just got home a few hours ago. excuses are lame. so i guess i just wrote poorly tonight. anyways hope you enjoy the pictures i know i enjoyed taking them.
–
live love.

blog snob

tim — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 21:05:32 +0000

simply defined a blog snob is one who looks at the blog of another and says

“wow that blog is ugly, mine is way better.”

that was a direct quote from renae ashton by the way. the first official blog snob as far as we know.

i must admit. i do fall into the category of blog snob.
i don’t think my blog is the best or even the best looking by any means.
there are many great blogs out there.
but let’s be honest.
the good majority of blogs out there look horrific and tend to make one want to vomit.
it’s just the ugly truth.
i shall refrain from saying more.
am i being brutal?
brutally honest, yes.
if i had the time and talent and skills i wish i could design everyone’s blog so they wouldnt look like complete trash.
unfortunately i do not have the time nor talent nor skill.
one day when i am a real graphic designer and unsoundtransient productions is up and running, i will try to eliminate blog snobbing by making everyone’s blog look good.

why did that last part sound like i was a politician running for office?
i hate politicians.

until that day.
happy blog snobbing to you all.

–
live love.

the term blog snob was originated and coined by spencer bales due to the direct quote mentioned above by renae ashton. any use of the term blog snob without prior written consent of spencer bales and/or his fellow associates who were there at the origination and coining of the term blog snob will result in an immediate cease and desist letter from said parties.

basic drawing

tim — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 00:27:10 +0000

tomorrow morning at 9 am i shall begin my first day of basic drawing at santa ana college.
i’m excited.
and nervous.
i have no idea what i am expected to bring to the class.
nor do i have any idea of the expectations of what one’s drawing and artistic abilities should be going into this class.
i’m hoping very little is expected.
(im banking on that word basic here…)
anyways we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

on a side note, it is really hot here in the o.c.
i mean really hot.
i’m not liking it all that much.
air conditioning is a total God send.
water is an absolute necessity.
and still God is better than i can ever fully know and imagine.
tell someone you love them.
life is short.
don’t waste it.
–
live love.
tsylt.

bloggage?

tim — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:35:08 +0000

considering the lack of bloggage (did i just create a new word?) lately here’s a quick update on my life.
friday was my last day of school, i have now officially completed my junior year of high school.
that night i got to see my friends and classmates graduate from high school.
the next day was the wedding of james and renae. i had the honor of filming of it and enjoyed it very much.

as of about 10 minutes ago i am all registered up for basic drawing this summer at santa ana college. i need to learn me to draw so that i can learn me to graphic design one day.

basketball practice later today and two games this week. a good way to kick off the summer if you ask me, playing the best sport on God’s green earth.

random post. for sure. but still a post none the less.
–
live love.
tsylt.

experiencing the district of columbia

tim — Thu, 29 May 2008 23:39:20 +0000

the district of columbia is a place every american needs to visit.
it was so surreal to be there.
to be 250 feet from the president of the united states as he gives his memorial day speech in the amphitheater next to the tomb of the unknown soldier in the arlington cemetery.
to stand in the lincoln memorial.
the jefferson.
the washington.
the capital building.
the white house.
the pentagon.
the vietnam memorial.
the holocaust museum.
the tomb of the unknown soldier.
the statue of iwo jima.
there is so much too soak up, to be moved by.
to see truly how much God has done for this country.
it is so surreal to be surrounded by so many monuments and memorials.
to look all around you and be surrounded by history.
by old buildings. beautiful old buildings.
not run down, but absolutely beautiful.
in the jefferson memorial there is a quote on the very top that wraps around the whole thing. it jumped out at me when i read it. i couldn’t stop reading it.
this is what it said:
“i swear upon the altar of God, eternal hostility to every form of tyranny over the mind of man.”
when you couple that quote with the other quotes in the memorial, all of which declared God the giver of freedom, the maker of all, the One who made us all equal, you just can’t help but be thankful and be in awe.
to see our country now, so far from God, so far from her roots of not even christianity or religion per se but just from the roots that there is a God, and that that God has made us to be free, free to think.
that freedom to choose. to choose our actions. to choose our faith. to choose how we use our mind.
we have gone so away from that, we refuse to think and rather believe whatever we are told. we refuse to teach to think and rather teach what we want to be learned.

i saw the endlessness of death.
in arlington cemetery there are tombs as far as one can see.
it never seems to end.
so many deaths for my freedom. your freedom.
so many have died so that you and i can have the freedom to say we don’t like war.
so we can say we don’t like this politician.
so we can complain about the government.
so we can criticize those dying for our freedom to say what they are doing is pointless.
if they never die, you and i never get to say any of those things.
never get to voice opinions.
to see the statue of iwo jima.
to realize what freedom costs.
to get an idea of how brave those men were.
how willing they were to serve their country and defend it.
to fight and die for the freedom of others.
to be so unselfish to put yourself in the most vulnerable of positions to raise our nations flag and raise up the call of freedom.
had a marine corps recruiter been standing by me while i was there at the iwo jima memorial i would have signed up without thinking twice about it.
it is such a moving thing to see.
the last two mornings of the trip, i got up and 5 in the morning and took a jog with pastor matt to see the memorial again.(also to help keep in shape, it was about a mile from our hotel. and we of course jogged back straight to a starbucks about a block away from the hotel before heading back to shower and get ready for the day) and every time i went back, it was just as moving and this part of me just wanted to join up then and there and serve and give something back.
after going to the holocaust museum i even more desired justice.
feelings of sorrow and sadness quickly changed to that of anger.
anger at injustice. at people being wronged.
a group of people being tortured and killed because of their race.
it made me so mad to read how those who had disabilities both physically or mentally would be killed for being “inferior.”
that people would dare see another human being as inferior.
the contrast from God made us all to be equal and free to killing everyone who was not white skinned, blond haired, and blue eyed is ridiculous.
the freedom to live was defended by our soldiers.

seeing so many military personnel around the city was inspiring.
seeing thousands of vietnam vets riding their bikes down he street.
seeing people lined up on both sides yelling thank yous and giving them high fives.
seeing the city embrace those who served and sacrificed and fought for them.
seeing the excitedness of both veterans and spectators.

almost everyone would say that of all people, those who have died for a cause as great of freedom and of defending our country would have died a worthy death.
would have lived a meaningful life.
yet some who died for such a great cause cold very possibly have wasted their life.
as great as the call of freedom is, the call of God is greater and greatest.
if someone can die for their country and still truly have wasted their life i begin to wonder if i am wasting my life.
am i living a life fully honoring and pleasing to my Savior and Maker.
unless i am, i am wasting my life.
that breaks me. that humbles me.

my thoughts are a bit random. a bit out of order.
i wish i could have written at the end of each day.
thoughts and feelings would have been more fresh, more precise, more meaningful.
i can’t even recall which day i went where.
all my days are blurred together into a feeling of 2 or 3 days and not the week i was there.
thanks for reading the ramblings of a 17 yr old kid still figuring stuff out and still learning. i never want to come across like i got it figured out. i am no one near that.
–
live love.
live doulos.

i’m back

tim — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:39:28 +0000

last night i got back from my class trip to the district of columbia.
it was more than fun.
it was inspiring.
it was moving.
it was humbling.
it was more fun.
at times it was tiring from lack of adequate sleep but it was all worth it.
unfortunately on the first day my video camera stopped working properly so rather than deal with the frustration of it working then not working i just put it away.
at first i was disappointed.
there were so many cool footage to be taken and just so much i was envisioning a serious and very fun video.
but everything happens for a reason and God is good all the time and knows more about life and things like that than i do.
so it was no big deal.
hopefully in the next few days or so i will be able to get some pictures from jenny and other people and i’ll post some up here.
(i didn’t bring a camera just my video camera and that one went mia)
more about the trip to come in future blogs.

sidenote: i wish i had a lap top to bring with me, hotels had free wifi, i coudl have blogged daily, but again oh well…

live love.
live doulos.

yep.

tim — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:28:10 +0000

yes sirs and ma’ams.
new look.
so far i think i am in like.
thanks to james over at unlinkedmedia for helping me figure out a couple things to make it work.
–
live love.
live as doulos.