my story…
so let’s start from the beginning.
january 5, 1991 is the day that i left my mothers womb and joined you all on this spinning sphere we call the earth.
fast forward 7 years.
christian family. went to church every sunday. listened to billy graham on the way to church every sunday morning. one of those mornings i was actually paying attention to what he had to say. i had the story of how to be saved a number of times. a sunday school teacher about a year before had even tried to make me pray a prayer of salvation. i somehow recall not particularly being fond of this lady and wanted nothing to do with here…i think i started crying and ran away but i could be wrong…anyways that morning what i head on the radio struck a chord. i knew i did bad things, we call it sin. i knew it and had no problem admitting that and the rest of the story sounded good to me, believe Jesus died for you, tell Him you are a sinner and want his free gift and you get to go to heaven and not hell. at the end of every billy graham radio program a song would be sung and the song “every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.” whether you believe that or not it is the truth one day we will each bow and confess Him as Lord. the story of Jesus and the cross and this idea of a free gift ran through my mind the rest of the morning. and then that morning the pastor talked about salvation as well. somewhere in the middle of his message i remember clearly thinking i need to be saved, i need to be forgiven, i need Jesus to save me. i heavily contemplated praying right then and there with my eyes open in the middle of his sermon but i thought that would be rude and disrespectful, so i didn’t at that time…being the little kid that i was as soon as the service was over i got lost in playing with my friends and food and what have you…but that evening i couldn’t fall asleep and couldn’t stop thinking about being in hell forever so in my bed i cried, literally and cried out to be rescued. i told Jesus i was a sinner that i wanted him to be my Savior and that i believed He died for me. i prayed almost the same thing at least 5 times in a row i just kept saying it over and over again, Jesus i know i’m bad i want You to save me. the memory is fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday. fast forward to 5th and 6th grade. i was quite the bad little boy, but played a very good boy for most to see. i hung out with the wrong friends no doubt and was influenced heavily by them. from cussing, to dirty jokes, to just being mean and disrespectful i lived a life in complete contrast to that of truth. i was convicted of my actions on a daily basis, after every word, thought, or joke i often remember thinking why tim why. you know its wrong why are you doing it anyway. but i chose my “friends” over God and His way 6 days of the week. it wasn’t until one day one of my friends told me you have changed alot, i remember when you were all good and now you are just like us …i couldn’t deny it..it was true..i had no response. that statement haunted me.
it wasn’t until my friends left the school that i started to see some real growth in the right direction.
now the rest of my life up until this point seems like a whole different chapter in the respect that i can’t really break it down into a year by year experience, but rather i feel it almost as the beginning of my current stage in this journey of life. and much of this current stage began when i first starting blogging and can be seen over time through my posts.
i typed all that 2 days ago, and have been struggling to figure out how to conclude my story. but my story isn’t over yet. it feels more like it i just beginning. entering the “real” world soon after high school seems like starting all over from scratch.
and every day seems like a whole new start.
every day when i go to sleep at night and think of how much i have wasted.
of how little i was interested in God that day. or how today i seemed more in love with God than before and wonder why.
every message i hear screams the same thing to me.
He’s trying to teach me and so i often i acknowledge His truth but am either too lazy or too selfish to do anything about it.
be consumed with Me.
be drenched in my words i have given to you.
pray to Me. talk with Me.
follow Me intensely. with passion and desire.
be filled with Me.
enjoy Me.
be satisfied in Me.
yet here i am allowing myself to be consumed with basketball.
to be satisfied with television.
to not be intense and passionate about anything to the extent Christ is demanding.
instead i live a life of inconsistency.
one moment i am determined. i am sold out on being all about my Maker.
but apparently i really am not since moments later i will choose something meaningless over the God that made me and saved me.
its frustrating to know that i can somehow not be in awe of Him at all times.
i mean let’s think about this.
He made everything. every single thing. from nothing.
as if that were not enough, He bothered to love us and buy us back after we left Him.
i don’t know. it makes no sense to me. how i can not just follow His instructions.
let’s take this a step further. He not only wants to redeem us, He wants life to be enjoyed in Him. He wants what is best for us. He didn’t just die for us and say well there you go good luck with the rest of your life i gave you a ticket to heaven see ya when you die.
no, He wants to be involved and have a relationship with me.
my mind is blown.
my heart is bleeding guilt.
my soul is confused.
everything about me wonders why i can’t just do what makes sense.
why don’t i just live drenched and addicted to my Savior.
why i don’t live what i type at the end of every post.
–
live love.
breathe surrender.
with reckless abandon.
hold nothing back.