live love.

i am bad at doing “devotions.”
i struggle to read my bible everyday.
i often fail to sit and be immersed in absolute truth.
too many times when i go to lay my head down to sleep i realize i left something out of my day.
now for me its hard at times to sit and read my bible.
i get distracted. i find something else to do. i get too busy.
i all of sudden remember i have a project that needs to be pounded out.

i do a poor job of planning a set time to read.
part of me is very structured and needs order very much.
there are times the files on my computer must all be in proper folders etc.
then there are times my desktop is littered with random files.
i take a whole saturday to clean my room and throw away trash.
i take every and any way i can to make sure i don’t have to do dishes.

i am inconsistent.

i dislike math and equations and the necessity of the order of operations.
yet i enjoy the way a well written sentence is structured.
the careful choice of words, the precise positioning of adverbs and adjectives.
at times i do not appreciate the teaching or preaching of the Word.
yet i love when a conversation suddenly turns to the One and His truth.
i love the way of conversations. interruptions of questions and comments and musings.

i adore times of prayer.
prayer is probably my most consistent area.
when i am walking. sitting. thinking.
even shooting a basketball early in the morning by myself.
these are times when i am most comfortable.
times when i talk with my Savior.
it is not the prayer to open or close a church service.
it is me telling my God everything and anything.
asking why. asking how. asking for help.
crying. praising. thanking.
praying doesn’t have to be a certain time limit.
there are no times when i am not permitted to pray.
in fact we are told to pray without ceasing.

He is always listening.
my thoughts, before i know it have become a prayer.
what started as me contemplating the why’s of this life finds me standing in awe of the Creator and asking why He bothered with me.
why, when i treat Him as trash He still forgives me.
why, when i am more in love with myself He still loves me.

prayer is my escape of sorts.
it’s when i feel closest to God.
but also farthest.
it’s hard to be dishonest when the God who knows all is listening.
but it shows me for who i am. and that shows me to be far away.
yet my Savior embraces me and tells me it’s ok. says i forgive you.

i am in no way saying prayer is a substitute for reading your bible.
the times i have spent genuine time in the bible have been amazing.
it’s just that i have noticed for some reason i seem to thrive more in prayer.
i’m not sure if that’s wrong.
maybe i am even farther from God than i think because of that.
i’m sure i still do not pray as much as i should.
i know i need to be spending even more time with my Maker.
when i don’t read my bible i do feel like something is wrong and missing.
even the days i read just to read are better than the days where no reading occurs.
i am no where near having this figured out or together.
i fail daily. second by second i’m sure.

i just seem to connect more often through prayer and conversation. especially conversation with my Savior.
but i think my thinking that is often a downfall that leads me to think it’s ok to not read as often.
i know i need to be in the bible so much more.
it is easier for me to type this than to sit and read my bible sometimes.
maybe rather than write this now i should be reading.
i’m really not sure.
i got a lot to work on.
there is a lot i don’t know and even more i do not understand.
but i do know that when i am just talking with my God i am most at peace.
yet most at war.
most comfortable and at the same time most broken.
it’s weird. it’s refreshing.
it’s uplifting and humbling at the same time.
it doesn’t make any sense, but it is the only thing that even remotely makes sense.
but loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, losing your life to get it, dying to truly live, doesn’t seem to make sense either.
i really don’t get it all. but i think it’s ok. but i also think it’s not to a certain respect.

for as often as i tease “random” jenkins, i sure write randomly.
forgive me if i wasted your time.

God forgive me.
i go against everything You are.
i love You because You loved me first.
i’m sorry for loving me more.
fix me.
thanks for being God and in control.
–
live love.