live love.

Jesus said ” freely you have received, freely give.”
i’m sure that i have read that before. possibly even heard a message on it.
but that phrase has been finding its way through my thoughts.
and it came sprinting to the front of my mind last night while watching the mole.
(if you have never seen the show this probably wont make any sense, but bear with me on this one) the host told the contestants to break themselves into two teams, the selfish team and the selfless team. their task was to take as many gold bricks as they could up this mountain in the andes. it was probably about a 2 mile uphill hike and they were only given 50 minutes. the more bricks that reached the top the more money went in the pot, but the team that arrived first was told it would earn an immunity to the next round. team selfish decided to take fewer bricks up hoping to make it up faster and win the immunity, team selfless decided to take as many bricks as would fit in their backpacks and then carry as many as they could hold as well. team selfish ended up getting up first as would be expected, but because of their selfishness not as much money was added to the pot.
now maybe i’m over analyzing or over spiritualizing things here.
but what the selfish team did pretty much summarizes a large majority of our lives.

taking the easy way out to take care of us.
looking out for number one, me. as the saying goes.
for the non believer can you blame them for living that way?
living for themselves and their enjoyment.
i don’t think we really can, but we can blame those who claim Christ.
my self included, i’m right there in front of the line.
i so often live for myself.
my wants.
my desires.
my “needs.”
my goals.
my comfort.
whatever makes me happy and feel good.
and i gain those at the expense of others.
at the expense of those i claim to love.
i hoard. i refuse to share. i slack off. i take the easy way out.
taking care of me and my needs is easy.
any work i do goes straight to benefiting me.
that’s easy.
but to live as Jesus taught is hard.
to freely give as we have freely been given.
it’s hard, but makes so much more sense.
Christ freely gave His life away so that i could have life.
Jesus tells us to give because we have received much.
as an american i have been given so much.
more than i fully appreciate.
as a christian i have been given even more.
much more than i can fully understand.
yet here i am. selfish. receiving freely. giving reluctantly if at all.
again i find myself rambling with little structure the things i am attempting to grasp.
trying to live this thing called life in a way that it is not wasted.
hoping to hear well done, good and faithful servant.
struggling with being good. faithful. and servant.

but i am too in love with myself.
i love myself more than my Savior.
i would rather please me than my Maker.
i much rather choose me over others.
i am in love with myself.
that’s my problem.
it has been for a long time.
have a feeling it may be for a long time to come.
it’s the ugly truth.
i am in love with myself.
it is hard for me to type that.
every time i do i want to hit backspace.
i don’t want to admit i love me more than my God. more than my friends.
but it’s true.
i can’t deny it without knowing i would be lying.
i am way too in love with myself.

Lord i fail miserably.
i love me more than You.
may i give more freely. may i give because i understand what i have been given.
may i never keep what You have given me to myself.
may i live as doulos to you and not me.
Lord pick me. i beg you to pick me up.
i fall too often Lord.
i too often choose me over You.
change me, i pray that You would hold me up.
i can’t stand on my own. every time i try by myself i fall on my face.
i hardly begin to get up and i’m back down, face in the dirt.
be my support. be my strength.
teach me to give.
You are too good for me.
You are too far above me.
You are.
i thank for You for being. creating. holding. allowing life. blessing. teaching. waiting.
–
live love.
tsylt.

i feel like a hypocrite typing live love…