whyaretitlessohardtocomeup withsometimesandcanimake thisoneanylonger.
i’m sitting here attempting to write.
attempting to make sense of the thoughts that flood my mind.
thoughts that run into each other and produce more thoughts.
i almost feel as if i’m trying too hard to “blog.”
too hard to come up with something meaningful to say.
trying to come up with something that is fresh and new.
something that isn’t about hypocrisy. balance. inconsistency.
seems that’s all i ever talk about.
seems like i always struggle with the same thing.
is that just how it is?
is balance and being inconsistent just always going to part of this thing called life?
or am i just failing miserably.
do i just not get it.
can i not overcome?
or maybe i can and im just too full of myself.
maybe i don’t trust God enough.
–
i have begun to realize that i depend on me way too much.
i played 3 hours of basketball at the park on thursday and again on friday.
i play with higgins at mile square all the time.
these two days we brought some guys who had either never played there or very little. i felt like i needed to do too much.
i only really trusted higgins.
and as a result i played very poorly.
higgins on the other hand was able to get every one involved and these guys we brought with us played very well.
i need to quit thinking i can do it on my own.
i need to learn to trust other people.
we were created to live a dependent life.
not an independent one.
we were made to live in community with each other.
to lean on one another.
to learn from each other.
and even more so with the Creator.
we were not made to live independently from Him.
we were made to live in total and complete dependence on Him.
why is it so hard for me and i would dare say humanity in general to live in complete dependence?
everything about our culture seems to revolve around the individual.
around doing things your way.
around being self sufficient.
i fail at being dependent because i am about me.
because i am self centered.
because i am more consumed with me than i am with my Savior.
–
Father, i have failed.
i have failed miserably. i am too alive in my own self.
kill self Lord. destroy it. may my will be burned and replaced with Yours.
teach me dependence.
rid me of this lie that i am to be independent.
burn and utterly destroy everything about me that is not glorifying to You.
do not let me settle.
do not let me cop out.
i don’t get why You love me.
why you bother with me.
i really don’t get why about anything.
but thanks. thank you for being God.
for being big. for being above it all.
for loving me.
may i be consumed with You.
i’m sick of screwing up.
of failing to do as You instruct.
of thinking and acting like i know more than You.
forgive me Lord.
i beg for forgiveness.
i beg for Your everlasting mercy.
i beg for change.
i beg that i would be changeable.
i beg that i would be Yours.
–
tsylt