live love.

i am a hypocrite.
you are too.
i claim so many things.
i claim so much truth.
but rarely it seems do i live it out.
i feel repetitive.
like a broken record.
i have said this all before.
i’m in love with me.
way too in love with me.
way too love with stuff.
i am too easily satisfied with stuff.
i am too easily made happy with that which will not last.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” – john piper

if that is true.
and i believe it to be.
then why do i not glorify God all the time?
why am i not satisfied?

how is it possible to not be satisfied with Christ?
He died for me!
He died!
He created, He loved, He died, He rose again and said here have life and enjoy it and have it eternally.
He puts up with all the stupid trash i give Him.
He loves me anyway.
He wants me anyway.
God. the Creator.
wants me.
loves me.
puts up with me.
it doesn’t make any sense.
yet it does doesn’t it?

why do i let so many other meaningless things satisfy me.
why do i let them take my attention and focus off of the One who rescued me.

why can’t i just want Him.
why do i want other stuff.

makes me almost wonder if the true way of following Christ is to sell everything and live on the street just living Christ’s love out in a very real way.

maybe i just have it too easy.

makes me wonder how much i really believe.
how much i really trust Him.
Jesus said to give up everything.
everything.
not to hold on, not to look back.

maybe i’m stuck looking in the rear view mirror.
maybe i keep pausing and turning around and contemplating the easy way out.

but how, why is that an issue, how is that possible.
God has given me something so amazing. so powerful.
His truth is clear.
why will i not live for Him with reckless abandon.

Jesus said to count the costs.
and it’s clearly worth it.
it’s the only way that makes sense.
it seems backwards.
it seems upside down.
but i’m backwards.
i’m upside down.
i’m the problem, i’m the perversion of what is good.
c.s. lewis wrote this “Goodness is, so to speak, itself: badness is only spoiled goodness. And there must be something good first before it can be spoiled.”

God made everything and said that it was good.
but now humanity has perverted and destroyed that goodness.
the good, that which is of the Creator is right side right.
the spoiled goodness or badness that we know makes the true goodness look wrong side wrong.

i don’t even know right now.
i’m so hurt.
so broken.
so angry.
convicted if you will of who i am and how i choose to live.
i have chosen grace and liberty in Christ.
yet so often i choose me over Him.
i hate that.
i hate it with a passion.
but apparently not enough.
apparently i don’t love God like i want to.
apparently i’m a huge mess.
i can’t take it.
how is it possible to not be satisfied in God??
after all He has done and given how can i have the audacity to treat Him like i do…
how can i dare not do everything He asks?
how can i be so bold to the One who made me?

God i’m sorry.
and i know sorry is not enough.
just saying it means nothing.
i want to live love.
i want to live You out.
God its times like this i wish You had made us to just obey You no matter what.
so that i couldn’t hurt You.
disappoint You.
run from You.
but You are God not me.
and You knew what You were doing when You made this thing called earth and humanity.
God i don’t even know…
i have no more words.
just feelings and emotions that can not be described, but You know huh?
You get it.
thanks for being You.

This entry was posted Wednesday, December 19th, 2007 at 10:18 pm and is filed under life, thoughts. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.